Como Park Bee Skyrise Sparks Fears of Hive Gentrification

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Saint Paul, MN — The installation of an artist-designed four-foot-tall “sky rise” condo building for pollinators has local hives abuzz, with some bees excited about the luxury living conditions and some fearing a sweep of gentrification changing the landscapes around the parks and lakes of the Metro area.

“I can see it through the trees from every angle—those tacky geometric color blocks,” says Bertha B. Bloomsbury, resident of a hive several trees from the new condo. “I think the builder is trying to appeal to younger bees, ones who work in corporate at Target, Beecolab, or Best Bee, but I don’t see how this housing pattern is sustainable for the regular blue-collar pollinators making the rounds on local gardens.”

Others, however, find the sky rise an exciting new option for lifestyle improvement in the Twin Cities. “Daycare for my eggs and larvae, nearby garden of pollinating plants, and extra storage space for my honeycombs? I was shocked,” Bobby B. Burt told The Nordly just weeks after the sky rise’s opening, straightening the collar of his Hivezod polo shirt. “Finally a home to stay in for my winter sales meetings where I won’t get frozen solid in some iced-over tree. I’m telling all my friends in Chicago to swarm on over.”

“I was skeptical, but I stayed in a one-bedroom as an AirBnBee during the Final Four, and I was sold,” says Bret Beerson, who has kindly offered to show The Nordly his studio. “Such an improvement on those wooden bee hotels in public gardens. The real marble honeycomb really adds a brightness to the walls. This has nothing, though, on the penthouse upstairs, for my queen.” He beams to a gold-framed portrait above the bed’s headboard.

Due to the success of this first pollinator sky rise, which was created by University of Minnesota Bee Lab researchers, funding has been secured for the creation of a second sky rise, on Lake Phalen in Saint Paul.  

Will bee sky rises improve the quality of life of the Twin Cities bee population, or will all the buzz just lead to further economic disparity? Bee Real Bee Everywhere, the group behind the sky rises’ design and construction, has declined to discuss construction bonuses and zoning laws, the average unit in the bee skyrise costs between 1,500 and 3,000 grains of pollen per month.


Rooftop Season, Patio Season, Whatever You Call It: Day Drinking is Back, Baby!

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MINNEAPOLIS — Hot damn! The sun has returned, baby! Minnesotans are fucking stoked that it’s once again socially acceptable to be publicly intoxicated every weekend until Labor Day.

Locals are jumping at the not-at-all alarming routine of midmorning brunch mimosas rolling perfectly into the dark and stormys paired with afternoon sushi as a standard pregame schedule for concerts, sporting events, and house parties taking place during the evening hours. We’re here for a good time, not a long time, especially with what few weeks of shorts weather we have left, am I right???

The rooftop vistas and  ambitious drink specials will be quenching the thirst of us fun-loving alcoholics. No more crying over Two Buck Chuck in our pajamas during a snow emergency, because all the Minnesotan mommies and daddies are out in the full force of shameless self gratification.

7 Paddle Boarder Pile-Up Brings Lake Traffic to a Standstill

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MINNEAPOLIS — Lake Bde Maka Ska experienced deadlock unlike the Uptown neighborhood had ever seen before after seven paddle boarders collided, severely bumming out all waterbound travelers.

The incident occurred late afternoon where temperatures ranged from the mid to upper-seventies causing reckless day-drinking patrons to rush toward the Wheel Fun Rentals kiosk in hopes of securing aquatic transportation in revelry of the pleasant weather. The most popular item rented out being that of the lime green paddleboards unfortunately advertised as an easy-to-learn activity for leisurely beginners.

It was only a matter of time before the swarm of twenty-somethings, bottlenecked underneath the Lake Street bridge.

Onlookers noted that the stranded pilots failed to adhere to proper paddleboarding conduct that was explicitly communicated to them by Wheel Fun Rentals staff. “They were all posing for selfies or trying to spank each other with the paddles during the safety demonstration.” explained manager Kylie Baker.

The ensuing thumps and bumps of paddleboards slamming against each other could be heard from Franklin to West 39th. Just over half a dozen pilots abandoned their flotsam to tread water away from the wreckage, blocking the pathway for oncoming pedal boats, kayaks, and canoes. The gridlock lasted nearly two hours, as any attempts to coordinate a three-point turn were met with ‘I can’t even’ and further selfie-taking.