MINNEAPOLIS — Minnesota Timberwolves starting small forward, Andrew Wiggins, was informed by an operations assistant that the NBA regular season ended several weeks ago when he attempted to enter the Target Center home locker room. The Wolves finished the 2018-19 regular season with a 36-46 record, placing 11th in the Western Conference standings and missing the playoffs.
“We thought he came in to grab something from his locker, but he said he was looking forward to the game.” said Tony Morrison, the Target Center janitor on staff who first noticed Wiggins’ faux pas. “I asked him if he knew that the season was over. He just shrugged his shoulders and turned back around.”Wiggins unknowingly finished the season averaging 18 points per game, and the lowest field goal percentage of his career (41.2). The forgetfulness of the NBA schedule seemed par for the course to critics, who have questioned Wiggins’ drive and passion for the game throughout his tenure in Minnesota.
“Yeah, this is the eighth time this has happened.” commented Target Center Facilities Coordinator, Shayna Evans.
When asked about the incident Wiggins commented, “I thought we had the Pistons today. Guess not. I just wanted to go out there, give less than my all for the team, and most likely come away with a loss. It was a good team effort. Shame we couldn’t come through.”
This year Wiggins signed a 4-year $147 million max contract.
At a postgame press conference yesterday, Twins Manager Rocco Baldelli revealed the strategy that had garnered them one of the best records in Major League Baseball this season. “In the off-season, me and the coaches were scratching our heads thinking, ‘what can we do to change things around here?’ And then, out of nowhere, Tommy [Watkins] stands up and says, ‘Why don’t we start playing good?’”
The seismic change in thinking recently propelled the team to a mid-week sweep of the Toronto Blue Jays. “We all sort of looked at each other, and we were like, no one’s thought of that before.”
Baldelli talked in detail about the new strategy. “First, we got players who play good. In my opinion, that’s the foundation of a team that plays good.” When asked what goes in to the selection process, Baldelli added, “We didn’t want players who play bad.”
First Base Coach Tommy Watkins, the originator of this bold new strategy, ran into trouble implementing it at first. “I’d spend practice screaming at these guys, ‘Play good!’ And they would just stare back at me. I don’t think it had ever occurred to them before.”
Baldelli concluded the press conference by laying out his plan for the rest of the season. “We’ll keep playing good. And if we start to play bad, we’ll stop that.” When asked what would happen if they just played “okay,” Baldelli froze for a moment, then swiftly stood up and left.
The recent accession of the Milwaukee Bucks to the NBA Eastern Conference Finals has forced Lindsay Park resident Dan Oakley to be aware of professional basketball, sources say.
“This team is a few wins from winning the whole thing, so now I guess I have to know things about them, and the sport in general?” Oakley said.
“We’re just a few months from Packers training camp. The timing couldn’t be more inconvenient,” lamented the 41-year-old, as he read the stats of star forward Giannis Antetokounmpo with the same cognizance he would reading the Voynich Manuscript. “This guy should play tight end for the Pack,” he later said.
“I’m really proud of my Bucks though. If I ever had the opportunity to meet any of those guys, I’d shake their hand, look them straight in the eye, and say ‘What does Bonus mean?’” When asked where he planned on watching the upcoming games, Oakley asked, “Oh Jesus, I have to watch them too?”