Walz to Consolidate MN’s 10,000 Lakes Into One Mega Lake

Photo by  Lorie Shaull

Photo by Lorie Shaull

After a contentious meeting with the head of the Department of Natural Resources, Governor Walz announced his plan to aggressively consolidate Minnesota’s alleged 10,000 lakes into one large lake.

During a press conference about the logistics of his plan, Walz explained, “ All I ask of my constituents in central and northern Minnesota is that if your house number ends in an even number, turn your sprinkles on full-blast on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and every other Sunday. This will encourage the development of large, and seemingly uncontrollable, flooding in southwest Minnesota. Soon enough, we will all enjoy the luxury and convenience of one mega lake. As I’ve stated during my election, I am committed to trying innovative measures to ensure that Minnesotans have a future to look forward to.”

This plan seems to be a small part of Walz’s larger goal, which includes divesting from fossil fuels by 2050. “Cars are somewhat responsible for greenhouse gas emissions. With a mega-lake, transportation options are a lot greener. For example, in the summer we can canoe to the office and in the winter we can ice skate to school. Canoes are, like what, at the most 700 bucks? Clearly, a mega-lake offers more affordable transportation options. If all else fails, just slip, swim, and slide.”

Despite his usual strong support from the DFL, there seems to be substantial controversy over Walz’s plan.

“I can’t swim,” said DFL Senator James from Hopkins.

Walz’s consolidation plan is set to take effect in late 2019.

Damning Report Reveals Jacob Frey Only 3rd Sexiest Mayor in the Country

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According to a recent study that has bewildered the Twin Cities, US News and World Report has revealed that Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey is only the third sexiest mayor in the country.

The report, which ranks the most desirable city leaders in the United States based on physical attractiveness, personality, and dedication to the community, indicated that Minneapolis' hunkiest daddy only took the bronze.

"Obviously we are disappointed," said a spokesperson from Meet Minneapolis, the city’s tourism board. "While Minneapolis is consistently cited as one of the best cities in the country to live in, dine out, and bike, we absolutely believe that we have the #1 thirst trap running our city."

While the mayor's office did not comment on the report, Frey has been seen stepping up his exercise regimen and policy platform.

"I saw him at the downtown Y running full speed on a treadmill while writing down ideas to improve racial equity," said local resident Lola Robertson. "Honestly, I was sweating just looking at him."

The mayor's office did not contest a separate report placing Frey second in the "Goodest Boy" rankings, with the top position being posthumously awarded to Duke, the late dog mayor of Cormorant, MN.

‘Amy Is A Great Boss!’ Says Klobuchar Assistant Shackled To Radiator For Totally Normal Reason

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WASHINGTON, D.C. - Yet another Amy Klobuchar staffer has come forward to defend her amidst accusations that she mistreated her staff.  While chained to a radiator for a regular, everyday reason, the Senator’s personal assistant, Dylan Johnston, made the statement in while held in a dark, windowless room that can only be accessed via a rotating bookcase inside Klobuchar’s D.C. office.

“I knew Senator Klobuchar was upset about the rumors because I overheard her talking about it through the wall… in a calm and level-headed way, of course” said Johnston, who made the statement by tying a note to a rat and praying against all hope it’d be found and passed on to a journalist.

“Amy is a great boss! She’s inspired me to be the best I can be” said Johnston. He went on to reassure the press that he’d been handcuffed to a radiator for legitimate reasons he swore were easily explainable. “This room is cold and damp so it's actually pretty refreshing in this heat” he mused, before adding “It’s still August, right?”

To show just how much he respected Klobuchar as a boss, Johnston pointed to the nearby wall in which he had etched the words “Soy milk is NOT the same as almond milk” over 100 times in a row. “She takes almond milk in her coffee”, he explained, “I know that now”. The staffer had also arranged breadcrumbs in the shape of a face on the concrete floor. He named the face “Amy” and stopped the press conference several times to stare into its eyes and whisper, “I will not fail you this time”.

At press time, Johnston started frantically blinking something in morse code.