Father and Son Can Only Connect While Torturing Fish


BEMIDJI — Despite years of cohabitating, sharing meals and watching Vikings games together, Craig Nielsen, 58, and his son, Cody Nielsen, 27, can only truly connect while torturing fish. 

Craig inhaled the dewy air and gently patted his adult son on the back. “Nothing brings us together like sitting in silence in a canoe early in the morning, just waiting for the opportunity to put fish through a hellish ordeal,” said the elder Nielsen, as he readied his tackle box. “There is something about the air, the calm, and the fish writhing in pain, desperately trying to stay alive that just makes it easier to open up, you know?”

After half an hour of complete silence in which neither of the men communicated their feelings, Cody shared a similar sentiment, “Sure, we have dinner every Sunday night, go out to a few Gophers games together throughout the season, but it’s just not the same as piercing a fish through its lip, or sometimes it's gill, and pulling it up by the hook”.

“Even when Mom died, sure Dad and I made all the funeral arrangements and gave her eulogy together, but I wouldn’t say we were connecting the same way we would if we were really just tormenting some walleyes.”

Nielsen paused before adding, “that’s healthy, right?”

Klobuchar’s Moderate Climate Plan To Only Cost 2 Trillion Dollars, 8 Million Species

Photo by  Gage Skidmore

Photo by Gage Skidmore

Hoping to distinguish herself from more radical candidates like Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) whose plan to address the threat of catastrophic climate change will cost a staggering 16 trillion dollars over 15 years, Sen. Amy Klobuchar (DFL-MN) is assuring voters her more moderate plan will come with a much smaller price tag of approximately 2 to 3 trillion dollars and 6 to 8 million species of flora and fauna.

At a campaign stop in Iowa this week, Klobuchar reiterated her intention, if elected, to immediately rejoin the Paris Climate Agreement, restart the Obama era Clean Power Plan, and then just kinda wing it from there.

“We have a responsibility to future generations to maybe give them a few extra years before we wrap this whole ‘human experiment’ up,” said Klobuchar, before launching into a folksy anecdote about hotdish.

The Minnesota Senator claims she will pay for her plan by pricing carbon emissions, gradually ending fossil fuel subsidies, and selling commemorative photos of the Amazon rainforest from space with “It Was Nice While It Lasted!” written on them. Klobuchar is also reportedly open to funding future initiatives by trading arrowheads whittled out of human bone once earth descends into a Mad Max-esque hellscape.

Despite not being as comprehensive as other plans like those of Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) or the aforementioned Sanders, Klobuchar’s plan has been hailed as “bold” and “just what America needs” by such advocacy groups as “Americans For Bare Minimum Solutions”, the “Foundation For Only Allowing Half of Florida To Drown”, and “Young Democrats For the Extinction of the Spider Monkey”.

Blushing! St. Paul City Council Requires Mayors Named Melvin Work Shirtless

Blushing! St. Paul City Council Requires Mayors Named Melvin Work Shirtless

Last Thursday the Saint Paul City Council stunned and enthralled many citizens with an ordinance that would require all mayors named Melvin to work shirtless. The new law will take effect immediately, and, to the feigned surprise of the city council, will require mayor Melvin Carter to work without a shirt.

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