Minneapolis — A wild turkey known for strutting the sidewalks and streets of the U of M campus is only three credits away from earning their bachelor of science.
After six long years of writing papers, cramming for exams, and eating the discarded contents of Tim Hortons wrappers, the turkey only has to pass one physical education class in order to earn a degree in sociology.
“I first saw it roaming through Coffman Union and figured someone left the door open,” said sociology department head Diana Vasquez. “Then it was sitting front row in my class twenty minutes later.”
Turk Reynolds, as some students have started calling it, has won over a significant portion of the student body.
“I love that guy!” exclaimed Brody Johnson, a freshman econ major. “He went streaking across the court at The Barn last week during the national anthem. Then he took a shit right in front of the cheerleaders during halftime. It was hilarious.”
However, not every student on campus has been thrilled about the turkey’s surging popularity.
“He’s an asshole,” said sophomore Marissa Brunelle. “He would always show up late to study sessions and never pitched in for beer. Plus my GPA dropped two points because he kept screwing up the curve.”
For a school recently plagued by scandal, the avian anomaly has provided some much-needed positive PR.
“It’s a truly inspiring story,” said university President Mark Schlissel. “When most wild turkeys are brushed off as nuisances by shoppers in the Home Depot parking lot, they get discouraged. Turk was headstrong enough to buckle down, become a Rhodes Scholar, and enhance the reputation of flightless birds across the country. Now, when people hear the words ‘Minnesota Gophers,’ they won’t think of sexual assault, they’ll think of this.
The turkey valedictorian plans on pursuing graduate work at Jennie-O in Willmar.