Following the approval of a $210 million dollar settlement to the victims of sexual abuse by Catholic priests, the Twin Cities Archdiocese has announced that it will bring back the practice of selling indulgences in the hopes to pay for the settlement.
Indulgences, certificates of absolution for sin obtained through payment to a priest, were formally banned by the Church after it led to widespread corruption amongst the clergy. However, Minnesota Church officials say that the practice is the only way to pay off the settlement. “We’re essentially fighting fire with fire here”, said Minneapolis-Saint Paul Archbishop Bernard Hebda.
“Sure, indulgences were super corrupt and may have led to the Reformation and the irreparable division of Christendom, but we’re in a really bad hole here”, said Hebda.
Church officials will accept payment for indulgences via cash, check, direct deposit, Venmo, Apple Pay, wire transfer, stock option, livestock, and/or gold teeth.
“Really anything we can get” said Hebda, visibly sweating. “Look, if you don’t want to spend a thousand years in purgatory, you need to pay me a thousand dollars right now.” Hebda added while nervously scratching his neck.
Hebda noted that anyone who has sinned should just come on down to the Saint Paul Cathedral and pay to get out of Hell, no questions asked.
“If you kicked a dog, That’s $100” said Hebda. “If you told your Mom to go fuck herself, that’s $200. If you ate meat on a Friday, that $1000” he continued. “We’ll help you wipe away any sin for a price!”`
Hebda noted that those most eager to seek quick absolution for their sins have been the priests themselves.”Those creeps have been writing me checks like it’s my confirmation” he continued.
“Also, this interview will cost you $30”, he added.