ALEXANDRIA, MN — Even as hundreds of massive, multi-ton vehicles speed past, missing his fragile body by mere inches, a turtle in the middle of I-94 is reportedly feeling more alive than it has ever felt in its entire life.
The ten year old male painted turtle was crossing the busy freeway in an attempt to find a mate but once he felt the roar of the engines zooming above him deep in the pit of his soul, he realized his true calling was not to propagate his species - but to experience the unrivaled thrill of living life on the edge.
“This is freaking awesome!” exclaimed the shelled adrenaline junkie, who’s most exciting moment in life up until now was when a curious child picked him briefly seven years ago. “After this, how am I going to be able to go back to my humdrum daily routine of basking in the sun for hours to maintain an internal body temperature between 17–23 °C?”, he added.
At press time, a well meaning passerby has managed to stop and “rescue” the turtle, totally killing his buzz.