Edina’s 2040 Plan Clearly Based Off 2013 Film 'Elysium'


Edina’s new twenty year policy-making plan is being called “an obvious rip-off” of Neill Blomkamp’s 2013 science fiction film Elysium, set in a world where the wealthy few live on a spaceship, while the impoverished masses are trapped on Earth.

The plan, entitled “Edina 2040: Edina IN SPACE” contains 11 pages of goals for the city and 89 pages of detailed sketches of advanced exoskeletons. Among the document’s most ambitious proposals is the building of a giant “floating space wheel” that “only we know how to get to”.

Some of the city’s other aims for 2040 are to “invent magic MRI machines”, “talk exclusively in high class future accents”, and “do whatever it takes to stop Matt Damon”.

“The weirdest part is that it’s clearly been awhile since the people that wrote this have seen the moviesaid Sadie Kendall, a concerned Edina resident, “at one point, they mention riding in floating chairs, drinking slushies. I’m pretty sure they’re thinking of Wall-E...”.

Edina’s City Council declined to comment on the controversy, stating they were too busy training a lovable South African robot to arrest jaywalkers.

Nation’s Top Satire Award Goes to Minnesota Man Who Stepped Outside and Asked “Whatever Happened to Global Warming?”


2019’s prestigious “Award for American Satire” has been presented to Tim McCullough, a Coon Rapids man who stepped outside Tuesday, asked “whatever happened to global warming?” and grinned smugly. The award has in the past been given to such luminary satirists as Mark Twain and Jon Stewart.

The Academy for American Satire was not expected to announce this year’s winner until 2020 but made the unprecedented decision to choose the recipient early. “When we heard McCullough’s scathing commentary, we knew nothing in the next twelve months could possibly top it”, explained the Academy’s president. “You see, what makes the comment so brilliant is that although the vast majority of scientists agree the earth is drastically warming due to human activity, it remains extremely chilly outside.”

During his acceptance speech, McCullough thanked his friends and family for their support and credited his inspiration to “it being cold” as well as “decades of consuming far right television and radio”. When asked what’s next for this up-and-coming humorist, McCullough cryptically replied “I can’t say much about my newest project but here’s a clue: it’s definitely about immigrants”.

MN Man Regrets Intensity of Dividing Groceries at Checkout


ST. LOUIS PARK — While checking out at Lunds & Byerlys, local man Tom O’Neill quickly divided his groceries from another customer’s, immediately ashamed his movements were too aggressive. Concerned his sudden placement of the rubber grocery lane divider could be interpreted as “territorial” and “aggro”, the MN accountant offered a half-hearted smirk to the couple in line behind him. “As soon as I put it down, it felt way too defensive. That lady for sure thinks I hate her and her food,” Mr. O’Neill said, adding “I was doing it for her! So I didn’t accidentally steal her food; should I say something?”

Sources confirmed the couple’s food was considerably lower priced than Mr. O’Neill’s, add to his concerns. “I’m not one to judge, but then I firmly put that divider down between my red kale and their gallon jug of fruit punch,” said Mr. O’Neill, “that wasn’t a good look.” At press time, Mr. O’Neill did not round his total up to donate to UNICEF contributing to his fear that he came off poorly.

Opinion: Why is St. Paul?


I have question. Why is St. Paul? It is not interesting or good. I was driving on I-94 and thought I would see St. Paul when I got there, but I did not see anything that looked like a state capitol and accidentally drove to Wisconsin. Is nobody home at St. Paul? It looks like a city that got turned upside down and all the people were shaken out.

I am from Andover and St. Paul is somehow more boring. Why is this? Does St. Paul not like fun? And why do all of the streets have five names but I don’t want to go to any of the places that are there? Is that why there is so much parking space?

St. Paul has St. Paul Saints baseball team, but why is this when we already have one baseball team that is bad? St. Paul is also building soccer stadium but no people like soccer so why? Will nobody be home at the soccer stadium too?

St. Paul is also mean. They do not keep the State Fair open all year round and I miss the pigs. The mean lady also said I am too old to go to the Children’s Museum because I am 36. Also they closed Sears and it was my favorite store.

In conclusion, why is St. Paul and can it be cancelled? The End.