Amy Klobuchar Formally Announces Run for Vice President

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In front a crowd of thousands of supporters in Minneapolis’ Boom Island, veteran Minnesota Senator announced that she will officially be running for the second highest office in the country.

“We live in an era where the very foundation of our democracy, of the future of our country is at stake” Klobuchar said to the roaring crowd, “and in these trying times, we need someone who would be the Vice President who would fearlessly stand by the actual President as they make all the decisions.”

“I am that person,” she said, followed by an eruption of cheers.

During a post-rally press conference, Klobuchar was asked if she ever considered running for president. “Oh please,” she said with a bemused look, “everyone knows I wouldn’t have a chance!”

Noting that the current climate of the Democratic Party would make it impossible for a Midwestern moderate to win the nomination, Klobuchar commented on some of the other Democrats that have thrown their hat into the ring.  “Kamala Harris. Elizabeth Warren. Cory Booker. These are just some of the contenders that I would be happy to fill in for if they die in office”.

“The road ahead won’t be easy,” she continued, “to run a successful campaign, we will need to get the word out. We will need to canvass and correct people on how to say my name. We are going to put out yard signs with my name in small print. We’re all going to try to stay awake during my debate with Mike Pence. The challenges will be great”,  she said.

“But they will not be insurmountable; if we persevere, in a little over a year and a half, I will be meeting the foreign ambassador of Kazakhstan in my office across the street from the White House” she concluded before walking off stage to thunderous applause.


Minnesota Dentists Celebrate Zero Lion Killing Incidents For Third Year In Row

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The Minnesota Dental Association (MDA) gathered at the Hyatt Regency in Bloomington this week to celebrate another calendar year free from any lion killing incidents. The event, attended by dentists across the state, centered around a ceremony in which the president of the Association updated a large sign labeled “Years Since A Lion Was Killed” from two to three.

In 2015, a Minnesota dentist infamously killed Zimbabwe’s beloved Cecil the Lion. The tragic incident caused a renewed anti-lion killing fervor among the state’s dentists. “That whole Cecil thing was terrible,” said one attendee from Rochester, “we dentists have long prided ourselves on our record of zero lions killed so this was a major setback.”

Dentists at the event were congratulated for their hard work but encouraged not to become complacent; to always be on guard, reporting any friends who might be thinking of killing lions to the disciplinary board.

An educational slideshow played that showcased the many benefits of not shooting large cats, set to an acoustic guitar. Later, a speaker read from a list of some fun suggested activities that do not involve killing lions. During this, the crowd took copious notes. “It’s not just a celebration. It’s also a learning experience,” said an attendee from Duluth, “Next year, I think I’ll take up bowling so I have something to do if the urge to kill a lion ever comes up”.

The event ended with music and a round of refreshments that included champagne, cake, and thirty pounds of ground Bengal tiger meat.


Will Amy Klobuchar Run For President? We Don't Know But That Won't Stop Us From Writing This 5,000 Word Article

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Following a resounding reelection in November, Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar’s name has been floated around as a potential Democratic presidential contender. While Klobuchar has said that she is ‘definitely considering’ a run, she has not officially thrown her hat into the ring.

So the question remains:  Will Amy Klobuchar run for president in 2020?

We have no idea. But, just because we don’t know doesn’t mean that we can’t pound out a couple thousand words about the subject.

First, even though the Iowa Caucuses are still over a year away, early polling shows Klobuchar gaining support among likely voters in that election. That could mean something, but probably not because it is so far away, but who knows, you know? Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t, who’s to say? We certainly are not, but here we are anyway.

Many have said that Klobuchar’s low key style and Midwestern background make her a strong foil to Trump’s brash style and New York roots. Will Klobuchar be the candidate that could win back the post-industrial Great Lakes states like Ohio, Michigan, Indiana and Wisconsin? We’re not sure, but we will definitely speculate wildly.

Klobuchar brings a strong political background to the race. She was first elected as a Hennepin county attorney in 1998, and then again in 2002. She then ran and won in 2006 to become the first Minnesotan woman to serve in the US Senate. WIll this journey lead her to the White House? Gosh, that would be a cool story, right? We don’t know the answer, but that won’t stop of us from running this article.

But that is not what this article is about because Klobuchar has been coy about whether she will run, and has not made her intentions clear. But it’s a nice thought, and honestly we could use one good thought for once.

As Senator, Klobuchar earned a reputation for focusing on smaller, consumer protection issues that have potential bipartisan appeal, which is a total presidential move, right? I mean, someone wouldn’t do that if they weren’t running for president. Why else would they do that? It’s gotta be that.

Some analysts have speculated that Klobuchar would have a tough time winning a Democratic primary because hasn’t taken outspoken positions on divisive issues that would appeal to the party’s base. Which I guess might her not want to run.

Klobuchar is originally from Plymouth, MN, a suburb of Minneapolis. Plymouth, MN is the seventh largest city in Minnesota. Does that matter? Do people in Plymouth want her to run? A better journalist would talk to them and get quotes about their thoughts from childhood friends and neighbors about what they think of Amy. Oh well!

Skeptics are quick to point out that American voters refused to elect a qualified female candidate and instead selected (albeit in the Electoral College only) Trump. Will that discourage Klobuchar from running? Fuck if we know, we are just surprised that you are still reading this article despite the fact that we are just regurgitating her Wikipedia page at this point.

Anyway, what do kind of ice cream do you think is Klobuchar’s favorite. Many speculate it’s Cookies n’ Cream, but we aren’t sure, it’s just a hunch. Is America ready for a Cookies n’ Cream loving president?

Other analysts have suggested that it is really difficult to ‘read the tea leaves’ on whether someone will launch a presidential campaign. Yet, on the other hand, we have just spread tea all over the table and can see them pretty clearly and they are not hard to read at all. They say things like ‘Earl Gray’ and “Green Tea” right on the bag.

Supporters of a potential Klobuchar presidential run, worry that she wouldn’t be able win a Democratic primary without drinking green tea. But luckily the authors have at least 6-7 bags currently spread out over their kitchen table that could be donated, so….maybe she will?

Campaign trail pmaposcmfpom apdmaspom aspodmaspom adspmpoasmp aMSADPMAP askodmoam asdnasimd Midwestern charm aijdnaimda adiasojd-sa folksy warmth asomdoasm asdasd a. Party officials hgahhajsswrt xxxdsdds nbnbbnbn ttrhrhns pppapsapkdaskd tootsie rolls rrrwqw aavvvvvb sdmffdosfm. But that’s just inside baseball. And osdk-askdak.

She would be the first American president with Swiss heritage, which arguably would be pretty cool.

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In conclusion, a Klobuchar run is definitely a possibility, but it’s also something that could not happen. What’s that Spanish saying? “Que sera, sera?”  Yeah, it’s like that, we guess.

At press time, Amy Klobuchar had not replied frequent requests for comment.