Minnesota Continues To Rank Among Best Places To Live If You Ignore Asterisks


Minnesota: land of 10,000 lakes and home of the Mississippi Headwaters. Birthplace of Nobel Prize winner Bob Dylan*, great American novelist F. Scott Fitzgerald**, and world renowned storyteller Garrison Keillor***. The home of Target, Supercuts, and 3M****. Truly, the greatest state in all of America to live if you ignore asterisks.

While our winters might be harsh, they’re certainly worth enduring for the breathtaking sights. You will marvel at our many lakes***** with Dakota or Ojibwe names******. And it’s not just the natural sights you’ll come to love.

Boasting the Target Center*******, the U.S. Bank Stadium*******, Target Field*******, the Xcel Energy Center*******, and Allianz Field*******, the Twin Cities is home to a cavalcade of major stadiums for every major sport.

And there’s nothing that displays the richness and beauty of true Minnesotan culture than the Minnesota State Fair********. With crop art, deep fried foods, barn animals on display, there is no better expression of what it means to be a proud Minnesotan*********.

So do come up and visit the North Star State sometime. We’ll (kinda) be happy to have you.

* Has notably distanced himself from the state as early as 1961.

** Was a destructive alcoholic and casual racist.

*** Has since been accused of sexual harassment.

**** Paid $5 billion settlement for contaminating drinking water with cancer-causing chemicals.

***** Are full of harmful invasive species that are killing the biodiversity in those lakes.

****** Tribes that were violently removed from their rightful homes in this state.

*******Sponsored by a multi-million dollar companies in a completely unaffordable neighborhoods well maintained by police.

******** Denotes insufferable traffic.

********* If you can afford to spend $50 to walk around eating garbage food in the August heat during the day on a Wednesday.

Downtown Target Plaza Video Board Flashing the Word "Purge" for Some Reason

Original Photo By  Iain

Original Photo By Iain

MINNEAPOLIS — Downtown commuters are voicing concerns over the Target Plaza video board displaying a harrowing message yesterday afternoon, suggesting the commencement of an anarchistic murder spree.

The bright electronic video display atop the retail giant’s 33-story corporate headquarters had previously been used as a charming visual feature that punctuated the downtown Minneapolis skyline with colorful animations.

Peter Kingston, an executive assistant at U.S. Bancorp, doubted the legitimacy of the message. “I’m sure it’s nothing. It’s probably just a typo or something.”

The sound of emergency sirens were initially viewed as a cause for concern, although downtown residents promptly remembered that it was the first Wednesday of the month.

The Minneapolis Police Department ensures that there is nothing to worry about. “We have the situation under control. What’s most important is that everyone remains calm, and stays inside.” said a spokesperson for the MPD before putting on a sinister plastic mask.

The video board remained illuminated for several hours before a localized power outage caused a blackout that stretched from Hennepin Avenue to South Marquette Avenue. Xcel Energy trucks were reportedly seen fleeing away from the affected city blocks.

When telephoned for comment Target officials could be heard breathing deeply into the receiver.

General Mills Shut Down After Several Contest Winners Injured in Freak Accidents on Tour


Consumers are demanding answers from General Mills after several children were tragically injured on a tour of their St. Louis Park factory earlier this week. The children had all been winners of the recent "Golden Tourpass" contest, wherein five random boxes of General Mills cereal contained  a prize-winning golden leaf of paper inside, allowing the finder access to the factory and a lifetime supply of cereal.

According to first-hand accounts, the tour started off with a view of the factory floor, led by company president General H.D. Mills. Unfortunately, the space was not filled with sterile machinery, but was an entirely edible verdant meadow. "My son went to look at the honey nut river," said Helga Sahne, mother of one of the injured children. "He leaned in to take a drink, and giant bees came to protect the honey! Mills didn’t warn us about them, and my poor boy fell into the stream. He was stuck in that honey for hours before the workers were able to get him out."

Though tragedy had struck, the tour moved on. "We were in the Monsters Cereal division," said Tom Erikson, another of the afflicted's parents. "My daughter grabbed a handful of cereal, because the Halloween cereals are her favorite. Then she started to turn purple, and her body inflated into a blob, and then she floated away. They said she turned into a Boo Berry, which is weird because we’re more of a Count Chocula family.”

Finally the most perplexing case was that of the final victim. "After everything we had seen, I just wanted to get out of there," said Molly Radio, the final victim's mother. "We ended up walking by the Trix room. There was a rabbit in there, digging small fruits out of the ground. The workers would take them before he could eat any. Well, my son felt bad and gave him some of the cereal  Which made the rabbit go mad and drag my son away. Why didn't anyone warn me that we shouldn’t let that rabbit have any Trix?!"

The final contestant managed to escape unharmed, and is currently safe with his family. The factory was shut down by investigators, and General Mills is in police custody, charged with child endangerment, several health code violations, and hundreds of charges of forging documentation for his undocumented work force of Leprechauns in the Lucky Charms department.

Woman Forgets to Ask If Scale was "Minnesota Spicy", Cries Profusely Over Bowl of Pad Thai


ST. PAUL— In between tortured coughs, Sarah Linsmayer came to the realization that the waitress’s question of “how spicy?” was offered with no qualifiers. There was no way to know just how spicy it was until she was openly weeping over the order of chicken pad thai. “Medium just felt like a good in-between choice,” offered Linsmayer. “I didn’t want to offend them and say mild, but oh geez, I never expected this many spices!”

“I’m just saying it would be nice to know on the menu if they’re not playing by Minnesota rules in the kitchen. At Noodles & Company I never have to specify, and I even added a shake or two of those red chile flakes to some alfredo once! Although that was clearly a mistake, those suckers pack a punch! Aunt Susie had warned me, and she’s always right.”

After Linsmayer borrowed the napkins from everyone at the table to deal with her unstoppably runny nose, she learned that not only was this pad thai not on the Minnesotan Spice scale, but that the restaurant serves a dish called Spicy Noodle. “Does that have it’s own scale, above this one? Yikes, that one might kill me!”

At press time, Linsmayer had decided to stop just smelling her food and ventured to take a bite.