Minnesota Continues To Rank Among Best Places To Live If You Ignore Asterisks

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Minnesota: land of 10,000 lakes and home of the Mississippi Headwaters. Birthplace of Nobel Prize winner Bob Dylan*, great American novelist F. Scott Fitzgerald**, and world renowned storyteller Garrison Keillor***. The home of Target, Supercuts, and 3M****. Truly, the greatest state in all of America to live if you ignore asterisks.

While our winters might be harsh, they’re certainly worth enduring for the breathtaking sights. You will marvel at our many lakes***** with Dakota or Ojibwe names******. And it’s not just the natural sights you’ll come to love.

Boasting the Target Center*******, the U.S. Bank Stadium*******, Target Field*******, the Xcel Energy Center*******, and Allianz Field*******, the Twin Cities is home to a cavalcade of major stadiums for every major sport.

And there’s nothing that displays the richness and beauty of true Minnesotan culture than the Minnesota State Fair********. With crop art, deep fried foods, barn animals on display, there is no better expression of what it means to be a proud Minnesotan*********.

So do come up and visit the North Star State sometime. We’ll (kinda) be happy to have you.

* Has notably distanced himself from the state as early as 1961.

** Was a destructive alcoholic and casual racist.

*** Has since been accused of sexual harassment.

**** Paid $5 billion settlement for contaminating drinking water with cancer-causing chemicals.

***** Are full of harmful invasive species that are killing the biodiversity in those lakes.

****** Tribes that were violently removed from their rightful homes in this state.

*******Sponsored by a multi-million dollar companies in a completely unaffordable neighborhoods well maintained by police.

******** Denotes insufferable traffic.

********* If you can afford to spend $50 to walk around eating garbage food in the August heat during the day on a Wednesday.


General Mills Shut Down After Several Contest Winners Injured in Freak Accidents on Tour

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Consumers are demanding answers from General Mills after several children were tragically injured on a tour of their St. Louis Park factory earlier this week. The children had all been winners of the recent "Golden Tourpass" contest, wherein five random boxes of General Mills cereal contained  a prize-winning golden leaf of paper inside, allowing the finder access to the factory and a lifetime supply of cereal.

According to first-hand accounts, the tour started off with a view of the factory floor, led by company president General H.D. Mills. Unfortunately, the space was not filled with sterile machinery, but was an entirely edible verdant meadow. "My son went to look at the honey nut river," said Helga Sahne, mother of one of the injured children. "He leaned in to take a drink, and giant bees came to protect the honey! Mills didn’t warn us about them, and my poor boy fell into the stream. He was stuck in that honey for hours before the workers were able to get him out."

Though tragedy had struck, the tour moved on. "We were in the Monsters Cereal division," said Tom Erikson, another of the afflicted's parents. "My daughter grabbed a handful of cereal, because the Halloween cereals are her favorite. Then she started to turn purple, and her body inflated into a blob, and then she floated away. They said she turned into a Boo Berry, which is weird because we’re more of a Count Chocula family.”

Finally the most perplexing case was that of the final victim. "After everything we had seen, I just wanted to get out of there," said Molly Radio, the final victim's mother. "We ended up walking by the Trix room. There was a rabbit in there, digging small fruits out of the ground. The workers would take them before he could eat any. Well, my son felt bad and gave him some of the cereal  Which made the rabbit go mad and drag my son away. Why didn't anyone warn me that we shouldn’t let that rabbit have any Trix?!"

The final contestant managed to escape unharmed, and is currently safe with his family. The factory was shut down by investigators, and General Mills is in police custody, charged with child endangerment, several health code violations, and hundreds of charges of forging documentation for his undocumented work force of Leprechauns in the Lucky Charms department.

Woman Forgets to Ask If Scale was "Minnesota Spicy", Cries Profusely Over Bowl of Pad Thai

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ST. PAUL— In between tortured coughs, Sarah Linsmayer came to the realization that the waitress’s question of “how spicy?” was offered with no qualifiers. There was no way to know just how spicy it was until she was openly weeping over the order of chicken pad thai. “Medium just felt like a good in-between choice,” offered Linsmayer. “I didn’t want to offend them and say mild, but oh geez, I never expected this many spices!”

“I’m just saying it would be nice to know on the menu if they’re not playing by Minnesota rules in the kitchen. At Noodles & Company I never have to specify, and I even added a shake or two of those red chile flakes to some alfredo once! Although that was clearly a mistake, those suckers pack a punch! Aunt Susie had warned me, and she’s always right.”

After Linsmayer borrowed the napkins from everyone at the table to deal with her unstoppably runny nose, she learned that not only was this pad thai not on the Minnesotan Spice scale, but that the restaurant serves a dish called Spicy Noodle. “Does that have it’s own scale, above this one? Yikes, that one might kill me!”

At press time, Linsmayer had decided to stop just smelling her food and ventured to take a bite.

Edina Gender Reveal Party Culminates in Parents Riding Off in a Hot Air Balloon Shaped Like a Penis

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Beaming with joy at the great news they are about to share with their family and friends, Edina couple Remington and Keightlynn Sigmundson prepare for the grand finale of their gender reveal party: taking to the sky in a massive inflatable penis.

"We wanted to make sure that everyone knows exactly what our child's genitals will look like, and we wanted to go big," said Remington. "We felt that blue cake batter was passé, so after a countdown, Keight and I will be flying away in a custom-made hot air balloon, letting every person within ten miles know that my unborn child has a penis."

"Being a first-time parent is scary," added Keightlynn, "but it makes it easier if we let everyone know exactly what stereotypes to force onto our child before they are even born. This way, people can buy onesies that say 'Ladykiller' and 'Chick Magnet'. I’m deeply invested in reinforcing societal expectations on my child. Why else would I spend thousands of dollars on an attention-grabbing genitalia balloon that will let everyone know what sex my baby will exhibit at birth?”

“The price is worth it,” Remington interjected. “We’ll be livestreaming this party and sharing on Instagram with the hashtag #BabySigsReveal. I even hired an SEO company to make sure this will always be the first result that comes up when you Google my child’s name. Hopefully, we can get advertisers interested- we’d love to start a lifestyle blog.”

Keightlynn seemed similarly hopeful. “My friend Tristina threw a gender reveal party that got featured on Buzzfeed. I’m just hoping to be front-page of Reddit for a day or two.”

"Gender reveal parties are becoming more and more common," said Dr. Steve Stevenson, a professor of social media at the University of Minnesota. "New parents are eager to draw attention to themselves as much as possible, and are pulling increasingly insufferable stunts to proclaim to everyone, 'my child has a penis, and therefore I want him to wear blue, love trucks, and play sports.'"

When asked about the obscene spectacle of floating away in a flying phallus, Remington was nonchalant. "I know people will be worried about this, but it's just a human body part. No one would care if it was a foot or an elbow. But," he added, a slight smile on his face, "thank God it's a boy, because no one wants to see a vagina flying in the air.”



Minnesota Wild to Trade Entire Roster for a Copy of Wayne Gretzky Hockey on N64

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Just mere hours before the NHL trade deadline, Craig Leopold and the Minnesota Wild announced the most unconventional trade in hockey history: the entire roster of the Wild traded for a copy of the 1996 hit sports video game Wayne Gretzky’s 3D Hockey.

It’s reported that the whole team, including the injured Mikko Koivu, overpaid Zach Parise, and season veteran Eric Staal were sent to the Games N Go video game store in the Rosedale Mall.  The combined roster worth about $76 million, including buyouts and retained money was traded in for the lone copy of the Nintendo 64 game, just 4 days after it was traded to the store.

Team officials stated that the N64 classic would be more entertaining for Wild fans than any of the players currently under contract. It’s classic arcade style would give fans something to cheer for, while its high scoring opportunities would put more points on the board than Jason Zucker.

“It’s clear many people had lost interest in this team” Craig Leopold stated “So we figured we’d search for that diamond in the rough, but something still worth seeing in HD”

An unnamed scout for another NHL team thought maybe the Wild would’ve gone after a copy of Blades of Steel or Mutant League Hockey, noting Wayne Gretzky’s 3D Hockey is “kind of a lesser known hockey video game classic,” but notes the constant excitement and state of the art 1996 3D graphics give it an edge in the competition.

Initially, Leopold  was in talks with Summit Amusement Company in St Paul to send in the full roster for a bubble hockey machine. Talks stalled however, as Summit was unwilling to take faltered goalkeeper Devan Dubnyk.

Gamestop was also approached for a deal, but without a Power Up Rewards membership, the team would have only received $22.14 for all of their players.