Monticello resident Josh Fischer, 29, was shocked and horrified early today when he paused an episode of HBO’s acclaimed historical drama miniseries “Chernobyl” to search “nuclear plants near me” on his phone. The inquiry revealed a working plant located less than ten miles from his home, shaking the man to his very core.
“I guess I just assumed they stopped putting these things where people are,” said Fischer, still visibly shaken hours after the incident.
The ill-fated search led Fischer to the Monticello plant’s Wikipedia article which features such ominous sections as “Incidents” and “Seismic risk”. Accompanying the article is an image of the facility’s control room, which further fueled Fischer’s already intense sense of unease.
“It looks exactly like the one in the show,” explained Fischer, “the only thing missing was a Russian guy in one of those anti-gamma Krispy Kreme hats. One small mistake and we could have graphite all over the place. Which, according to the show, is very very bad”.
Morbid curiosity led Fischer further down a spiral of dread, which reached its lowest point when Fischer tearfully wondered if he would be able to put down his beloved Golden Retriever ‘Sandy’ should the unthinkable happen and she “get covered in bad atoms”.
“Plus if I die in a nuclear accident before I finish episode 5, my HBO subscription will just keep charging me until the end of time,” added Fischer.
Eventually, Fischer was able to calm down by assuring himself that the worst horrors of Chernobyl occurred due to the lies and incompetence of the Soviet Union. “I’m sure we’re in good hands over here,” said Fischer.
At press time, Fischer was absent-mindedly clicking on “Related Articles” links and ended up on a page for something called “Flint Water Crisis”.