Minnesota High School Graduation Rate Up Among All Demographic Groups Except for Derek

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SAINT PAUL — Educators across Minnesota celebrated Tuesday, after the Department of Education released new data that showed an across-the-board increase in the public high school graduation rate, except, that is, for Derek Carlson of Eden Prairie High School. 

The state’s data shows a statistically significant increase in the on-time graduation rates of students of color, low-income students, and English language learners. However, Derek—the self-titled “12th Grade Vape King”—remains at an abysmal 0%.

“Higher graduation rates reflect the increased investment in our education system at the local, district, and state level to improve outcomes for all of our students,” said MDE Commissioner Mary Cathryn Ricker during the press conference announcing the report, “except, of course, for Derek. That kid’s a whole other story”.

“I also want to thank the people who made all this possible,” continued Commissioner Ricker, “the principals who made-do with shoe-string budgets, the teachers who taught with passion, and the custodial staff who painted over all the places Derek sharpied “JIZZ” onto the walls”

But Ricker cautioned against resting on laurels: “Of course, we still have a ways to go. I will not be satisfied until 90% of our students are graduating on time, and until Derek can sit through one bio class without texting a dick pick.”

Adding: “Look, we’ve tried everything, but this kid’s just an asshole.”

When reached for comment, Derek informed the reporter that he “could suck [his] dick” and books, math and science “were for fucking dweebs” before longboarding away, middle fingers held high.