Minneapolis Toddler Fucking Worships Snowplows

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Ever since this year’s first snowfall, three and a half year old Gabriel Thorpe of Minneapolis has been utterly fucking obsessed with snowplows. At the mere mention of the vehicle, the boy claps his hands rhythmically, emits piercingly loud engine sounds as if possessed (in the process, sending saliva flying in all directions), and performs a freakish “snowplow dance” of his own devising, until he falls to the floor, exhausted from his demented frenzy of excitement.

“Gabe goes 100% apeshit for snowplows,” said one witness who wished to remain anonymous, “he’ll wait for an hour for one to pass by and when he sees it, he throws himself at the window, screaming ‘I wuv you snowpwow!’ like they’re the goddamn Beatles”. Once the plow passes from view, as if coming down from an ecstatic religious experience, Gabe sits, deeply contemplating the wonders he’s just witnessed.

At times, the boy has been known to fall into a kind of artistic trance, hastily drawing his beloved snowplows in green marker on surfaces ranging from important documents to his bedroom walls. Though his works often resemble nothing more than a shitty rectangle with some of the stupidest looking wheels you can imagine, they seem to hold a deep significance to Gabe.

Gabe’s absurd affection for snowplows has so twisted his poor mind that when asked what he wants to be when he grows up, Gabe purportedly shouts “a snowpwow!”, despite being by all accounts a human child. When given a toy truck and told ‘this is a bit like a snowplow”, Gabe tosses it away like a tiny vampire handed a clove of garlic. Sadly, Gabe’s batshit devotion to the concept of snow removal vehicles shows no signs of stopping anytime soon.

UPDATE: Forty five minutes after this article’s publishing, Gabe moved on to dinosaurs.