Local White Man Discovers Aldi!

Local-White-Man-Discovers-Aldi.jpg

John Kelsey, a 35-year-old white Chanhassen resident took to social media yesterday with a big discovery. Kelsey shared that he, while looking for a Whole Foods, has discovered a whole new food frontier: Aldi.

“It baffles me that no one has ever found this place,” he said as he recalled pulling into the crowded parking lot. “Sure, there were people there, but it was no one I personally recognized, which was weird.” Kelsey disclosed that there has never been a time where he was somewhere where he didn’t know people.

“Clearly, these people are like us in some way, but so different! This grocery store that they have been using for decades will prove useful to my community”

The staff at Aldi recall how Kelsey reacted upon entering the long-established chain supermarket.

“He immediately tried to put as much as he could in his basket, even items that other patrons had already picked out,” said Brenda Vang, Aldi cashier and cashew enthusiast. “It seemed that he was both scared and in awe of the other patrons at the store.”

Many others confirmed that in fact, Kelsey was acting like a bonafide weirdo.

“There are just so many resources here that are ours for the taking,” Kelsey exclaimed. “It’s almost like things are free and I can’t wait for more people I know to come take advantage of this opportunity!”

“Things aren’t free here,” added Vang. “They are just marked at a reasonable price and we aren’t preying on people’s love of name brands for the exact same things.”

Kelsey’s enthusiasm is unshaken, however.

“I am going to gather so many of my friends and caravan over here and together we will get all of the deals. All of them! It is our destiny.”

Recent reports also now confirm that a measles outbreak has occurred at the Aldi, which can be traced back to Kelsey.