Graduating UMN Frat President Names New Director of Butt-Chugging

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MINNEAPOLIS — In an effort to tie up loose ends before moving out of the Zeta Theta Psi fraternity house, graduating University of Minnesota fraternity president Jared Faulkner assembled his fellow brothers in the main hall to name a new director of butt-chugging.

“I just want to make sure everything is taken care of before I’m gone,” said Faulkner, who graduated from the university in May with a degree in Business Management. “We’ve got a lot of strong leaders here, so I know whoever I choose will do an excellent job.”

Faulkner stressed that the new appointee must have a positive attitude, great time-management skills, a strong understanding of various light beers, and the ability to supervise the systematic pouring of alcohol into dozens of freshman pledges’ anuses.

“The fall is always hectic, but by naming someone in the spring, everyone can get comfortable with their new roles,” said Faulkner.

According to sources, Faulkner was prepared to tap junior Derrick “Nutsack” Nelson for the position, but wasn’t sure he’d be able to fulfill his duties while finishing up his law degree.