Beaming with joy at the great news they are about to share with their family and friends, Edina couple Remington and Keightlynn Sigmundson prepare for the grand finale of their gender reveal party: taking to the sky in a massive inflatable penis.
"We wanted to make sure that everyone knows exactly what our child's genitals will look like, and we wanted to go big," said Remington. "We felt that blue cake batter was passé, so after a countdown, Keight and I will be flying away in a custom-made hot air balloon, letting every person within ten miles know that my unborn child has a penis."
"Being a first-time parent is scary," added Keightlynn, "but it makes it easier if we let everyone know exactly what stereotypes to force onto our child before they are even born. This way, people can buy onesies that say 'Ladykiller' and 'Chick Magnet'. I’m deeply invested in reinforcing societal expectations on my child. Why else would I spend thousands of dollars on an attention-grabbing genitalia balloon that will let everyone know what sex my baby will exhibit at birth?”
“The price is worth it,” Remington interjected. “We’ll be livestreaming this party and sharing on Instagram with the hashtag #BabySigsReveal. I even hired an SEO company to make sure this will always be the first result that comes up when you Google my child’s name. Hopefully, we can get advertisers interested- we’d love to start a lifestyle blog.”
Keightlynn seemed similarly hopeful. “My friend Tristina threw a gender reveal party that got featured on Buzzfeed. I’m just hoping to be front-page of Reddit for a day or two.”
"Gender reveal parties are becoming more and more common," said Dr. Steve Stevenson, a professor of social media at the University of Minnesota. "New parents are eager to draw attention to themselves as much as possible, and are pulling increasingly insufferable stunts to proclaim to everyone, 'my child has a penis, and therefore I want him to wear blue, love trucks, and play sports.'"
When asked about the obscene spectacle of floating away in a flying phallus, Remington was nonchalant. "I know people will be worried about this, but it's just a human body part. No one would care if it was a foot or an elbow. But," he added, a slight smile on his face, "thank God it's a boy, because no one wants to see a vagina flying in the air.”