Department of Supernatural Resources Finds Invasive Three-Headed Hellcarp In Lake Hiawatha

The Minnesota Department of Supernatural Resources (DSR) has confirmed the discovery of a small but alarming population of Three-Headed Hellcarp in Lake Hiawatha, a species native to the fiery lakes that dot the deepest levels of Hell. 

The first documented encounter was by local fisherman Ryan Meyer, 48, when a specimen jumped into his canoe. “At first I thought the extra heads were just a birth defect,” recalls Meyer, “but then they started listing off all my most shameful sins in unison and I thought ‘hmm… something’s up’.” Since Meyer’s sighting, several others have been confirmed.

Three-Headed Hellcarp are considered “biological pollutants” and can negatively affect the ecosystem in several ways. For one, they can rapidly destroy large patches of aquatic plants in order to free space for their nightly underwater Satanic rituals. In addition, the species is known to spew superheated ash from their every orifice when angered, sometimes causing entire lakes to boil. Finally, Hellcarp feed on the souls of righteous frogs and turtles and use their lifeless bodies as undead warrior-slaves in the fight to overthrow God. 

Exactly how Three-Headed Hellcarp arrived in Minnesota remains a mystery. “Perhaps one was carried here in the talons of a Helleagle that got lost,” suggests DSR Officer Candace Beck, “or maybe it was a demon’s pet and was dumped here after its irresponsible owner got bored of it. We’ll probably never know for sure. The important thing now is containment.”

This is not the first time a supernatural nonnative species has been found in the state. In 1999, the DSR found a population of Sphinxes living in the Boundary Waters. In 2009, gremlins were found running a DMV in St Cloud. Most recently, in 2017, a group of late 19th century ghosts from London moved to Victoria, Minnesota due to an unfortunate misunderstanding. 

If you come into contact with a Three-Headed Hellcarp, please contact the Minnesota Department of Supernatural Resources as soon as possible and a trained agent will arrive to beat it to death with a crucifix