Cousins From Florida Disturbed by What Minnesotans Call Beaches

During a summer vacation visit from out-of-town relatives, Minnesota native Sarah Henderson took her cousins to an Uptown Minneapolis beach, reportedly shocking the Floridians to their core. Expecting to hear the familiar sounds of crashing waves, the perturbed teenagers were instead met with an abundance of peacefully still freshwater immediately labeled as “perverse”. Thinking their cousin was playing a local joke, Tristan and Sadie McCormick refused to exit the car, exclaiming they could see the other side of the lake, which they found disorienting.

“I live for the beach; I was so pumped when Sarah said we were going. But then we pulled up to, basically, a patch of dirt next to what I think is a pond,” commented Sadie, a Jacksonville native, referring to the popular North Beach of historic Bde Maka Ska enjoyed by thousands of Minnesotans each year.

Eventually convincing her petrified cousins from Florida to give the Minnesota beach a chance, Ms. Henderson found herself explaining that lakes are technically safer than oceans in all categories.

“When I first saw this swamp place I was skeptical,” stated Tristan, gesturing toward the expansive reservoir of clean water just minutes from downtown Minneapolis, adding “But when I heard the water’s salt was removed somehow, my interest was piqued.”

The Florida teenager’s brief curiosity was cut short upon the sight of a swarm of gnats hovering above a portion of the otherwise picturesque lake. Referring to some collected algae as “puddle scum”, the cousins nervously dipped their toes in the lake as small children playfully splashed nearby.

Following the conclusion of the beach trip, in which the Florida teenagers learned about the lake activities of paddle boarding, finding sand bars, and playing king of the raft, Tristan and Sadie McCormick maintained they still prefer the actual ocean, despite that it is home to multiple species that can kill you.