Aveda Launching I 35-W Road Salt Scrub

Original Photo by  elizaraxi

Original Photo by elizaraxi

Today Minnesota wellness giant Aveda announced a new line of skin care products which will focus on locally sourced ingredients that can be found, literally, right down the road.

The new SodiuMN Scrub is made from the residual salt distributed by MNDot this last winter to control the buildup of ice on the state’s interstates and highways. Instead of getting absorbed into the ditches lining the side of I-35W or getting washed away by rain, the salt is getting a second chance at life.

Tracey Simonsen “There is truly nothing like giving back to your community, especially when your community is Aveda. We are committed to providing our friends with life-affirming wholistic cooperative wellness initiatives, beautiful skin, and asymmetrical haircuts.”

In addition to I-35W road salt, the SodiuMN scrubs are all infused with other local Minnesota ingredients such as red pine sap, moose knuckle, and walleye essence.

“It’s my scientific opinion that SodiuMN should be applied in moderation” Dr. Anderson advised. “SodiuMN has been tested on a human’s skin and is probably safe for daily use but science tells us that skin can only grow back so fast so just… think about it first.”

“Based off of recent surveys, we’ve found that people have been into, not only having skin, but really using it” Dr. Marcy Anderson, chief chemist at Aveda’s Blaine headquarters, told us. “And this is just one scientist’s opinion, but if you’re not using your skin to its full potential, you might as well not have skin at all.”

Dr. Anderson, however, has a solution for the sorry few who have yet to unlock their skin’s full potential. “Instead of relying on the gamble of inner beauty manifesting into outer beauty which, scientifically, could take years or just never happen, with Aveda’s new SodiuMN scrub, you can buy your skin protection against the ravages of time and shame.”

SodiuMN will be available for purchase in Aveda affiliated salons and spas June 1st.

Andrew Wiggins Arriving for Game Day is Reminded by Janitor That Season Ended Weeks Ago

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MINNEAPOLIS — Minnesota Timberwolves starting small forward, Andrew Wiggins, was informed by an operations assistant that the NBA regular season ended several weeks ago when he attempted to enter the Target Center home locker room. The Wolves finished the 2018-19 regular season with a 36-46 record, placing 11th in the Western Conference standings and missing the playoffs.

“We thought he came in to grab something from his locker, but he said he was looking forward to the game.” said Tony Morrison, the Target Center janitor on staff who first noticed Wiggins’ faux pas. “I asked him if he knew that the season was over. He just shrugged his shoulders and turned back around.”Wiggins unknowingly finished the season averaging 18 points per game, and the lowest field goal percentage of his career (41.2). The forgetfulness of the NBA schedule seemed par for the course to critics, who have questioned Wiggins’ drive and passion for the game throughout his tenure in Minnesota.

“Yeah, this is the eighth time this has happened.” commented Target Center Facilities Coordinator, Shayna Evans.

When asked about the incident Wiggins commented, “I thought we had the Pistons today. Guess not. I just wanted to go out there, give less than my all for the team, and most likely come away with a loss. It was a good team effort. Shame we couldn’t come through.”

This year Wiggins signed a 4-year $147 million max contract.

Local Director Runs Needlessly Cutthroat Fringe Festival Auditions

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Following the selection of his name for the annual Minnesota Fringe Festival, St. Paul native Keith Colburn immediately  rented theater space to conduct unnecessarily intense and selective auditions for his original play, “America the Ugly: Red, White, and Untrue”.

After quickly allowing the newfound power go to his head, the beginner director created a gratuitously harsh process requiring the performers to memorize three monologues, bring two original songs, and sign a non-disclosure agreement, with no promise of compensation.

“The Minnesota Fringe Festival is about coming together to celebrate local art as a community. And I plan on celebrating better than everyone else,” the inexperienced Mr. Colburn said in between screaming “Next!” at the friends who felt pressured to audition.

“Look, I’m not saying he shouldn’t have pride in his work,” commented Jessica Reinfeld, local actor and audition participant, “But, there’s no reason to demand we shave our heads just for the audition.”

Calling his production a groundbreaking exploration of society, Mr. Colburn expressed the desire to find a cast capable of delivering the complex ideas and emotions he spent last Friday afternoon writing.

“As an artist and creator, I expect my actors to possess a certain ‘je ne sais quoi’ that can meet my work on its level,” the first time showrunner said, mispronouncing the French turn of phrase, “In order to achieve this, I must break their spirit, then ask them to publicly reminisce a painful memory in order to cry on command. I’ll do this during five stages of callbacks of which the schedules and locations will continue to change last minute.”

At press time, sources close to Mr. Colburn stated the rookie playwright began prompting actors to read sides in various accents unrelated to the content. When asked how long the auditions will take, the novice director responded, “Until I discover my star.”

Damning Report Reveals Jacob Frey Only 3rd Sexiest Mayor in the Country

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According to a recent study that has bewildered the Twin Cities, US News and World Report has revealed that Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey is only the third sexiest mayor in the country.

The report, which ranks the most desirable city leaders in the United States based on physical attractiveness, personality, and dedication to the community, indicated that Minneapolis' hunkiest daddy only took the bronze.

"Obviously we are disappointed," said a spokesperson from Meet Minneapolis, the city’s tourism board. "While Minneapolis is consistently cited as one of the best cities in the country to live in, dine out, and bike, we absolutely believe that we have the #1 thirst trap running our city."

While the mayor's office did not comment on the report, Frey has been seen stepping up his exercise regimen and policy platform.

"I saw him at the downtown Y running full speed on a treadmill while writing down ideas to improve racial equity," said local resident Lola Robertson. "Honestly, I was sweating just looking at him."

The mayor's office did not contest a separate report placing Frey second in the "Goodest Boy" rankings, with the top position being posthumously awarded to Duke, the late dog mayor of Cormorant, MN.

Rock the Garden 2019 Lineup Features Several Bands That You Aren't Cool Enough to Have Heard Of

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Spring is here in Minneapolis, and with summer closing in, 89.3 The Current has announced Rock the Garden 2019 and the exciting lineup of bands that your friends love, but you are only tertiarily familiar with.

Rock the Garden is the largest indie rock music festival in a sculpture garden of an art museum in the north central United States. Since 1998, The Current has consistently outdone themselves each year in getting bigger and more popular bands that you somehow have never heard a single song by, and 2019 is no different.

The National, Courtney Barnett, and deM atlaS are just a few of the bands that your friends couldn’t believe you had never heard of because they’re like, pretty popular. Another of your friends also seemed really excited that Adia Victoria would be there, but you weren’t sure if that was a performing artist or a someone you may have met at a party.

The artist that everyone except you is most excited about is supposed famed punk band X. They are touted as one of the most influential bands from the punk movement of the late 70’s but you can’t help but silently wonder how influential a band you have never heard of could be, you fucking square.

Rounding out lineup is Heart Bones and Bad Bad Hats, which are two bands you are almost certain your coworker made up just to mess with you.

Rock the Garden 2019 will be held June 29th at the Walker Art Center in Minneapolis, but you probably are too lame to attend anyway.