Minnesota Woman Now 'Cultured' After Single Visit to Midtown Global Market

Original photo by  Tony Webster

Original photo by Tony Webster

Local woman Shari Anderson took to social media to claim the title “cultured” after a visit last weekend to Midtown Global Market. Thanks to ordering from Taco Cat and pretending to consider purchasing a brightly colored poncho of now-forgotten national origin, the 32-year-old Edina woman is now far wiser in the ways of the world, having immersed herself within the immensity of the human experience.

“I can admit now that I was sheltered before in my first-world American lifestyle,” said Anderson while trying to find the perfect lighting for an Instagram shot of her tacos “I feel that this new awareness will transform me into a more worldly citizen of the world.”

 Anderson then moved on to the Hmong Crafts stall, where she eagerly asked the owner, “Wait, where are you from?” Anderson was amazed when he patiently explained that he is, in fact, from Minnesota.

Anderson reported an increased motivation to eat more global foods and check the privilege that allowed her to afford an UberBlack for the 2-mile commute to the market. For her next trip, she has vowed to experience a different lifestyle by riding her bike while wearing Lululemon leggings.

“Before today, I had never tried a salsa spicier than mild,” said Anderson. “Now, I’m a whole new woman. Namaste.”

Anderson added a selfie featuring bubble tea to her online dating profile to let potential matches know that she is a globally savvy woman, vowing to only message “exotic-looking dudes.” Next weekend, she is considering either joining the Peace Corps or placing an artful map of the world on her apartment wall to  add more cultural flair to her life. She also vowed to adjust her budget, taking a little money she had planned to donate to nonprofits to instead purchase “globally inspired” jewelry on Etsy.

In fact, Anderson expects these undertakings to shift her lifestyle so much that she will have to turn down her friend’s invitation to teach English-language classes to recent immigrants, instead investing the time reading as many Wikipedia pages on world cultures as she can find.

Strange! High School Acquaintance With Boat Still Hasn't Returned Your Texts

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In a startling turn of events, Jenny Preston, Minnetonka resident and owner of a gorgeous pontoon boat, has shown no sign of responding to your barrage of recent texts about her summer plans, despite the fact that you grew up in the same subdivision but actively avoided each other for the majority of your adolescence!

It's really odd, but looking back through the dozens of messages you've sent her over the past month, there's definitely a logical explanation. Half of these texts probably got lost in cyberspace and didn't even reach her! Jenny must still be on her family's Sprint plan, or something. Ugh. It's so challenging to have a conversation with someone who has no reason to give you attention! 

It's honestly just weird that she wouldn't reply to something so clearly intended to be kind and not self-serving at all, like your message at 10:03 AM on July 27th:

“hey J! hope your summer’s great! see you on the lake for byob?” 

Of course, when she didn't respond within 10 minutes, you sent a follow up:

“lol byob definitely means bring your own boat ;) hope it's cool if we use yours?” 

So crazy that you didn't hear back from her, but thank goodness for social media. You sent Jenny a quick DM on Instagram (water looks gorgeous! can't wait to join you! which dock should I meet up with you at again???”) after seeing 18 stories in a row prominently featuring a party on her pontoon. 

She didn't respond to that, either, but it's probably because her phone fell in the lake and is now ensconced in a bowl of rice. It's definitely not because you two don't have any semblance of a friendship and she's blocked you from viewing her private account! 

It's such a Jenny thing to read messages without responding. It's definitely nothing personal! How could it be personal? She barely knows you! Which is why it's so important that you get to know each other better this summer. On her boat. 

OMG! Jenny just responded to your texts saying “Please stop contacting me. You’re not my friend and you’re not going on my boat,” which is totally her random sense of humor.

Hypocrites? The Current Refuses to Play AC/DC’s High Voltage Album from Start to Finish

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When hard rock fan Lloyd Hogan recently moved to Plymouth from Minot, North Dakota he was hoping to find a radio station to lock at number one on his radio presets.

“I was told The Current was the best music station in town. I thought that name sounded electric. Then I listened for an hour and heard absolutely no AC/DC. I called in and asked if they’d play their High Voltage album, figuring with songs like ‘Live Wire’ and the title track it’d be a natural fit. The DJ chuckled and said ‘I’ll see what I can do.’”

The station, beloved by coffee shop intellectuals and cool moms with tattoos, plays alternative rock favorites of the past and present. Its playlist does lack artists like AC/DC that feature driving beats and power riffs.

“I gave it another shot one Friday afternoon and they were playing some dude named Dawes,” Hogan said. “So I called in and again requested the AC/DC album. The DJ shot me down. Geez, Current: quit being hypocrites, live up to your name, and play AC/DC’s High Voltage in its entirety!”

Upon the advice of a mechanic at his neighborhood Jiffy Lube, Hogan has migrated up the FM dial to the hard rocking 93X.

Aquatenniel to Celebrate 100 Years of the Color Aqua, or Maybe That Band? We’re Unsure!

Photo by  Mac H (media601)

Welcome to the Aquatenniel, Minneapolis’ premier celebration of the invention of the color aqua, or maybe the band Aqua, or maybe something else! Who knows! Everyone is afraid to ask even though we are in dire need of clarification!

Many of you think you are here to celebrate the 1919 invention of the color aqua. With soldiers coming home from World War I, the United States needed a lift: at the time, only the three primary colors had been invented (complementary colors wouldn’t be invented until after World War II). At least a few of you think that Minneapolis’ own Reginald Aquavarious, a simple flour boy toiling away at Pillsbury at the time, came up with this revolutionary fourth color, giving it his name. With a new, bright blue to play with, a playful mood swept the nation, moving our citizens from a time of war to a time of reverie. Unfortunately for Reginald, Target acquired the patent, which is why they now put on these kickass fireworks! Or at least that’s the current prevailing theory!

Or maybe you think you are here to celebrate that band with the Barbie Girl song, yes, Danish-Norwegian pop group Aqua’s smash 1919 hit! With a large Norwegian immigrant population that had never considered dancing in their lives, “Barbie Girl” was a revelation to many Leifs and Bjørns around the city. Minneapolis was home to so much fanfare due to the song that choruses of “come on Barbie, let’s go party!” echoed across the Mississippi, inspiring F. Scott Fitzgerald to write The Great Gatsby and forcing lawmakers to enact Prohibition, or that’s at least our best guess right now. Today, we can enjoy the Torchlight Parade, the largest nighttime parade in Minnesota and some believe a re-enactment of the protests of angry mobs in the 1920s trying to discern why that creepy guy with the deep voice was even part of the band in the first place! Enjoy the festivities throughout the city, and please call 311 with answers!

Thank you for joining us to celebrate Minneapolis’ Aquatenniel! As Mayor Jacob Frey has said, “Does anyone really know what’s going on here? The color is ok, not my favorite for a knit tie, but have you listened to the lyrics from that song? It’s so creepy! Why are we doing this?”

Here’s to another 100 years of maybe the color, or quite possibly the band! If anyone finds out, please let us know immediately!