Out of Options, Twins Try Playing Good


At a postgame press conference yesterday, Twins Manager Rocco Baldelli revealed the strategy that had garnered them one of the best records in Major League Baseball this season. “In the off-season, me and the coaches were scratching our heads thinking, ‘what can we do to change things around here?’ And then, out of nowhere, Tommy [Watkins] stands up and says, ‘Why don’t we start playing good?’”

The seismic change in thinking recently propelled the team to a mid-week sweep of the Toronto Blue Jays. “We all sort of looked at each other, and we were like, no one’s thought of that before.”

Baldelli talked in detail about the new strategy. “First, we got players who play good. In my opinion, that’s the foundation of a team that plays good.” When asked what goes in to the selection process, Baldelli added, “We didn’t want players who play bad.”

First Base Coach Tommy Watkins, the originator of this bold new strategy, ran into trouble implementing it at first. “I’d spend practice screaming at these guys, ‘Play good!’ And they would just stare back at me. I don’t think it had ever occurred to them before.”

Baldelli concluded the press conference by laying out his plan for the rest of the season. “We’ll keep playing good. And if we start to play bad, we’ll stop that.” When asked what would happen if they just played “okay,” Baldelli froze for a moment, then swiftly stood up and left.

Milwaukee Man Forced To Give A Shit About Basketball


The recent accession of the Milwaukee Bucks to the NBA Eastern Conference Finals has forced Lindsay Park resident Dan Oakley to be aware of professional basketball, sources say.

“This team is a few wins from winning the whole thing, so now I guess I have to know things about them, and the sport in general?” Oakley said.

“We’re just a few months from Packers training camp. The timing couldn’t be more inconvenient,” lamented the 41-year-old, as he read the stats of star forward Giannis Antetokounmpo with the same cognizance he would reading the Voynich Manuscript. “This guy should play tight end for the Pack,” he later said.

“I’m really proud of my Bucks though. If I ever had the opportunity to meet any of those guys, I’d shake their hand, look them straight in the eye, and say ‘What does Bonus mean?’” When asked where he planned on watching the upcoming games, Oakley asked, “Oh Jesus, I have to watch them too?”

Lynx Quietly Remind Disillusioned MN Sports Fans That They Have Won Championships

Photo by  Lorie Shaull

Photo by Lorie Shaull

The Minnesota Lynx, the women’s professional basketball team who plays their home games at the Target Center in downtown Minneapolis, would like to remind despondent and disillusioned Minnesota sports fans, that there is in fact a championship team in town: them.

“But they don’t dunk, so does it count?” cited an anonymous fan leaving the Target Center after a 4-game loss by the Timberwolves.

While other Minnesota professional teams have failed to win any championships since Jnco jeans were popular, the Lynx have won a total of 4 WNBA Championships in the last eight years. The Lynx dynasty is a far cry to every other professional sports franchise in the state. Even so, Minnesota sports fans are far from impressed.

“My high school girls play basketball, which is neat and all,” stated a father helping his son move into Saint Thomas. “But are they, or any player for the Lynx, really as good as say… Gorgiu Dieng or Jarryd Bayless?”

“A guy at the airport once said that he could beat me one-on-one,” stated former Lynx legend and current Gophers basketball head coach Lindsey Whalen, “And he was at least 70 years old.”

Local fans and sports reporters have taken to social media to bemoan the performance of the “Big 4” teams with complaints of “this team makes me drink” or “just win once in my lifetime.” However, reminders that the Lynx in fact have won several championships in their lifetime fall on deaf ears.

“Oh, I mean sure, they’re a team” said one sports fan interviewed at the University of Minnesota Applebees after watching yet another disappointing Minnesota team loss. “But I’m not gonna go see a game. I mean, come on- you know what I’m talking about...” The fan then excused himself from reporters.

“I’m not sure what else to do at this point” Cheryl Reeves, one of the greatest coaches in basketball history and current Lynx head coach “I guess we’ll just keep winning.”

Minnesota Wild to Trade Entire Roster for a Copy of Wayne Gretzky Hockey on N64


Just mere hours before the NHL trade deadline, Craig Leopold and the Minnesota Wild announced the most unconventional trade in hockey history: the entire roster of the Wild traded for a copy of the 1996 hit sports video game Wayne Gretzky’s 3D Hockey.

It’s reported that the whole team, including the injured Mikko Koivu, overpaid Zach Parise, and season veteran Eric Staal were sent to the Games N Go video game store in the Rosedale Mall.  The combined roster worth about $76 million, including buyouts and retained money was traded in for the lone copy of the Nintendo 64 game, just 4 days after it was traded to the store.

Team officials stated that the N64 classic would be more entertaining for Wild fans than any of the players currently under contract. It’s classic arcade style would give fans something to cheer for, while its high scoring opportunities would put more points on the board than Jason Zucker.

“It’s clear many people had lost interest in this team” Craig Leopold stated “So we figured we’d search for that diamond in the rough, but something still worth seeing in HD”

An unnamed scout for another NHL team thought maybe the Wild would’ve gone after a copy of Blades of Steel or Mutant League Hockey, noting Wayne Gretzky’s 3D Hockey is “kind of a lesser known hockey video game classic,” but notes the constant excitement and state of the art 1996 3D graphics give it an edge in the competition.

Initially, Leopold  was in talks with Summit Amusement Company in St Paul to send in the full roster for a bubble hockey machine. Talks stalled however, as Summit was unwilling to take faltered goalkeeper Devan Dubnyk.

Gamestop was also approached for a deal, but without a Power Up Rewards membership, the team would have only received $22.14 for all of their players.