For the fiftieth year in a row, Minnesota has been ranked #1 on the list of “States That Look Like They’re Wearing A Tiny Top Hat”. The National Ranking Society (NRS) utilizes a complicated algorithm to determine their annual rankings, spending millions of dollars hiring experts across the country to stare at maps while squinting and tilting their heads a little.
The NRS began recording which states look as if they are sporting minuscule stove pipe hats in 1962 during the height of the Cold War, in an effort to get ahead of Soviet scientists in the emerging field of hat-related cartography. Since then, Minnesota has been ranked #1 every year with the exception of 1967 when, in one of US history’s most shameful chapters, a corrupt Richard Nixon conspired to name his home state of California #1 under the pretense that “maybe it’s such a small top hat that it can’t be seen at all” in a cynical effort to drum up support for his upcoming presidential campaign.
Hawaii came in last place for the 12th time since rankings began due to its shape “being so abstract that imagining it with a top hat is near impossible”. In response, Hawaii governor David Ige issued a scathing statement condemning the NRS for what he called “a disturbing lack of imagination”.
In other state ranking news, Minnesota was named fourth in states that look like “they have a weird bump on their neck”, sixth in states that look like “they have a big bite taken out of them”, and 49th in “racial equality”.