Damning Report Reveals Jacob Frey Only 3rd Sexiest Mayor in the Country

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According to a recent study that has bewildered the Twin Cities, US News and World Report has revealed that Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey is only the third sexiest mayor in the country.

The report, which ranks the most desirable city leaders in the United States based on physical attractiveness, personality, and dedication to the community, indicated that Minneapolis' hunkiest daddy only took the bronze.

"Obviously we are disappointed," said a spokesperson from Meet Minneapolis, the city’s tourism board. "While Minneapolis is consistently cited as one of the best cities in the country to live in, dine out, and bike, we absolutely believe that we have the #1 thirst trap running our city."

While the mayor's office did not comment on the report, Frey has been seen stepping up his exercise regimen and policy platform.

"I saw him at the downtown Y running full speed on a treadmill while writing down ideas to improve racial equity," said local resident Lola Robertson. "Honestly, I was sweating just looking at him."

The mayor's office did not contest a separate report placing Frey second in the "Goodest Boy" rankings, with the top position being posthumously awarded to Duke, the late dog mayor of Cormorant, MN.

"Amy Is A Great Boss!" Says Klobuchar Assistant Shackled To Radiator For Totally Normal Reason

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WASHINGTON, D.C. - Yet another Amy Klobuchar staffer has come forward to defend her amidst accusations that she mistreated her staff.  While chained to a radiator for a regular, everyday reason, the Senator’s personal assistant, Dylan Johnston, made the statement in while held in a dark, windowless room that can only be accessed via a rotating bookcase inside Klobuchar’s D.C. office.

“I knew Senator Klobuchar was upset about the rumors because I overheard her talking about it through the wall… in a calm and level-headed way, of course” said Johnston, who made the statement by tying a note to a rat and praying against all hope it’d be found and passed on to a journalist.

“Amy is a great boss! She’s inspired me to be the best I can be” said Johnston. He went on to reassure the press that he’d been handcuffed to a radiator for legitimate reasons he swore were easily explainable. “This room is cold and damp so it's actually pretty refreshing in this heat” he mused, before adding “It’s still August, right?”

To show just how much he respected Klobuchar as a boss, Johnston pointed to the nearby wall in which he had etched the words “Soy milk is NOT the same as almond milk” over 100 times in a row. “She takes almond milk in her coffee”, he explained, “I know that now”. The staffer had also arranged breadcrumbs in the shape of a face on the concrete floor. He named the face “Amy” and stopped the press conference several times to stare into its eyes and whisper, “I will not fail you this time”.

At press time, Johnston started frantically blinking something in morse code.

Amy Klobuchar Formally Announces Run for Vice President

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In front a crowd of thousands of supporters in Minneapolis’ Boom Island, veteran Minnesota Senator announced that she will officially be running for the second highest office in the country.

“We live in an era where the very foundation of our democracy, of the future of our country is at stake” Klobuchar said to the roaring crowd, “and in these trying times, we need someone who would be the Vice President who would fearlessly stand by the actual President as they make all the decisions.”

“I am that person,” she said, followed by an eruption of cheers.

During a post-rally press conference, Klobuchar was asked if she ever considered running for president. “Oh please,” she said with a bemused look, “everyone knows I wouldn’t have a chance!”

Noting that the current climate of the Democratic Party would make it impossible for a Midwestern moderate to win the nomination, Klobuchar commented on some of the other Democrats that have thrown their hat into the ring.  “Kamala Harris. Elizabeth Warren. Cory Booker. These are just some of the contenders that I would be happy to fill in for if they die in office”.

“The road ahead won’t be easy,” she continued, “to run a successful campaign, we will need to get the word out. We will need to canvass and correct people on how to say my name. We are going to put out yard signs with my name in small print. We’re all going to try to stay awake during my debate with Mike Pence. The challenges will be great”,  she said.

“But they will not be insurmountable; if we persevere, in a little over a year and a half, I will be meeting the foreign ambassador of Kazakhstan in my office across the street from the White House” she concluded before walking off stage to thunderous applause.


Minneapolis Cop Considers Pulling Trigger for Administrative Leave Over the Holidays

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Upon learning that he had no remaining paid time off in 2018, Minneapolis police officer John Richardsen is considering a foolproof method of gaining time off as law enforcement: being put on administrative leave for use of deadly force.

The 10-year veteran explained that the department’s pattern of placing officers on administrative leave whenever they are involved in a deadly shooting. “Our vacation/murder policy is very clear. Whether it’s a clean takedown or one of those ‘Oopsie, I thought he was charging!’ ones we get time off” said Richardsen.

Richardsen is confident he will be in a “shooty scenario with a perp,” soon. “I figure I’d fire a few rounds,  Ba-da-bing, ba-da boom. Suddenly, Dad’s home for the holidays!”

When asked about the potential ramifications of killing for paid time off, Richardsen wasn’t worried. “I can always say I was afraid for my life. That defense works every time.”

When asked specifically about the ethical ramifications of such an action, Richardsen explained, “It’s not my fault someone walks in my line of fire during the holidays.” Richardsen continued. “Plus, the union always has our back. No matter what.”

The more he contemplated the idea, the more Richardsen warmed to what he calls a “gunpowder getaway.”

“Sure, people will be upset. There might be protests, or whatever, but I’ll be up at the cabin with Marjorie sipping a High Life’ Richardsen added.

After giving his last statement, Richardsen wiped away a smudge off the words ‘TO PROTECT WITH COURAGE, TO SERVE WITH COMPASSION’ on the side of his squad car before driving off to work.


Will Amy Klobuchar Run For President? We Don't Know But That Won't Stop Us From Writing This 5,000 Word Article

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Following a resounding reelection in November, Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar’s name has been floated around as a potential Democratic presidential contender. While Klobuchar has said that she is ‘definitely considering’ a run, she has not officially thrown her hat into the ring.

So the question remains:  Will Amy Klobuchar run for president in 2020?

We have no idea. But, just because we don’t know doesn’t mean that we can’t pound out a couple thousand words about the subject.

First, even though the Iowa Caucuses are still over a year away, early polling shows Klobuchar gaining support among likely voters in that election. That could mean something, but probably not because it is so far away, but who knows, you know? Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t, who’s to say? We certainly are not, but here we are anyway.

Many have said that Klobuchar’s low key style and Midwestern background make her a strong foil to Trump’s brash style and New York roots. Will Klobuchar be the candidate that could win back the post-industrial Great Lakes states like Ohio, Michigan, Indiana and Wisconsin? We’re not sure, but we will definitely speculate wildly.

Klobuchar brings a strong political background to the race. She was first elected as a Hennepin county attorney in 1998, and then again in 2002. She then ran and won in 2006 to become the first Minnesotan woman to serve in the US Senate. WIll this journey lead her to the White House? Gosh, that would be a cool story, right? We don’t know the answer, but that won’t stop of us from running this article.

But that is not what this article is about because Klobuchar has been coy about whether she will run, and has not made her intentions clear. But it’s a nice thought, and honestly we could use one good thought for once.

As Senator, Klobuchar earned a reputation for focusing on smaller, consumer protection issues that have potential bipartisan appeal, which is a total presidential move, right? I mean, someone wouldn’t do that if they weren’t running for president. Why else would they do that? It’s gotta be that.

Some analysts have speculated that Klobuchar would have a tough time winning a Democratic primary because hasn’t taken outspoken positions on divisive issues that would appeal to the party’s base. Which I guess might her not want to run.

Klobuchar is originally from Plymouth, MN, a suburb of Minneapolis. Plymouth, MN is the seventh largest city in Minnesota. Does that matter? Do people in Plymouth want her to run? A better journalist would talk to them and get quotes about their thoughts from childhood friends and neighbors about what they think of Amy. Oh well!

Skeptics are quick to point out that American voters refused to elect a qualified female candidate and instead selected (albeit in the Electoral College only) Trump. Will that discourage Klobuchar from running? Fuck if we know, we are just surprised that you are still reading this article despite the fact that we are just regurgitating her Wikipedia page at this point.

Anyway, what do kind of ice cream do you think is Klobuchar’s favorite. Many speculate it’s Cookies n’ Cream, but we aren’t sure, it’s just a hunch. Is America ready for a Cookies n’ Cream loving president?

Other analysts have suggested that it is really difficult to ‘read the tea leaves’ on whether someone will launch a presidential campaign. Yet, on the other hand, we have just spread tea all over the table and can see them pretty clearly and they are not hard to read at all. They say things like ‘Earl Gray’ and “Green Tea” right on the bag.

Supporters of a potential Klobuchar presidential run, worry that she wouldn’t be able win a Democratic primary without drinking green tea. But luckily the authors have at least 6-7 bags currently spread out over their kitchen table that could be donated, so….maybe she will?

Campaign trail pmaposcmfpom apdmaspom aspodmaspom adspmpoasmp aMSADPMAP askodmoam asdnasimd Midwestern charm aijdnaimda adiasojd-sa folksy warmth asomdoasm asdasd a. Party officials hgahhajsswrt xxxdsdds nbnbbnbn ttrhrhns pppapsapkdaskd tootsie rolls rrrwqw aavvvvvb sdmffdosfm. But that’s just inside baseball. And osdk-askdak.

She would be the first American president with Swiss heritage, which arguably would be pretty cool.

Eeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeee eee e eeeeeeeeeeeeeee eee eeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeee ee e e e e e e e e eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeee fundraising eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeee e e eeeeeeeeeee e eeeeeeeeee eeeeeee e  eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee glasses.

In conclusion, a Klobuchar run is definitely a possibility, but it’s also something that could not happen. What’s that Spanish saying? “Que sera, sera?”  Yeah, it’s like that, we guess.

At press time, Amy Klobuchar had not replied frequent requests for comment.