Local White Man Discovers Aldi!


John Kelsey, a 35-year-old white Chanhassen resident took to social media yesterday with a big discovery. Kelsey shared that he, while looking for a Whole Foods, has discovered a whole new food frontier: Aldi.

“It baffles me that no one has ever found this place,” he said as he recalled pulling into the crowded parking lot. “Sure, there were people there, but it was no one I personally recognized, which was weird.” Kelsey disclosed that there has never been a time where he was somewhere where he didn’t know people.

“Clearly, these people are like us in some way, but so different! This grocery store that they have been using for decades will prove useful to my community”

The staff at Aldi recall how Kelsey reacted upon entering the long-established chain supermarket.

“He immediately tried to put as much as he could in his basket, even items that other patrons had already picked out,” said Brenda Vang, Aldi cashier and cashew enthusiast. “It seemed that he was both scared and in awe of the other patrons at the store.”

Many others confirmed that in fact, Kelsey was acting like a bonafide weirdo.

“There are just so many resources here that are ours for the taking,” Kelsey exclaimed. “It’s almost like things are free and I can’t wait for more people I know to come take advantage of this opportunity!”

“Things aren’t free here,” added Vang. “They are just marked at a reasonable price and we aren’t preying on people’s love of name brands for the exact same things.”

Kelsey’s enthusiasm is unshaken, however.

“I am going to gather so many of my friends and caravan over here and together we will get all of the deals. All of them! It is our destiny.”

Recent reports also now confirm that a measles outbreak has occurred at the Aldi, which can be traced back to Kelsey.

Out of Options, Twins Try Playing Good


At a postgame press conference yesterday, Twins Manager Rocco Baldelli revealed the strategy that had garnered them one of the best records in Major League Baseball this season. “In the off-season, me and the coaches were scratching our heads thinking, ‘what can we do to change things around here?’ And then, out of nowhere, Tommy [Watkins] stands up and says, ‘Why don’t we start playing good?’”

The seismic change in thinking recently propelled the team to a mid-week sweep of the Toronto Blue Jays. “We all sort of looked at each other, and we were like, no one’s thought of that before.”

Baldelli talked in detail about the new strategy. “First, we got players who play good. In my opinion, that’s the foundation of a team that plays good.” When asked what goes in to the selection process, Baldelli added, “We didn’t want players who play bad.”

First Base Coach Tommy Watkins, the originator of this bold new strategy, ran into trouble implementing it at first. “I’d spend practice screaming at these guys, ‘Play good!’ And they would just stare back at me. I don’t think it had ever occurred to them before.”

Baldelli concluded the press conference by laying out his plan for the rest of the season. “We’ll keep playing good. And if we start to play bad, we’ll stop that.” When asked what would happen if they just played “okay,” Baldelli froze for a moment, then swiftly stood up and left.

Local Director Runs Needlessly Cutthroat Fringe Festival Auditions


Following the selection of his name for the annual Minnesota Fringe Festival, St. Paul native Keith Colburn immediately  rented theater space to conduct unnecessarily intense and selective auditions for his original play, “America the Ugly: Red, White, and Untrue”.

After quickly allowing the newfound power go to his head, the beginner director created a gratuitously harsh process requiring the performers to memorize three monologues, bring two original songs, and sign a non-disclosure agreement, with no promise of compensation.

“The Minnesota Fringe Festival is about coming together to celebrate local art as a community. And I plan on celebrating better than everyone else,” the inexperienced Mr. Colburn said in between screaming “Next!” at the friends who felt pressured to audition.

“Look, I’m not saying he shouldn’t have pride in his work,” commented Jessica Reinfeld, local actor and audition participant, “But, there’s no reason to demand we shave our heads just for the audition.”

Calling his production a groundbreaking exploration of society, Mr. Colburn expressed the desire to find a cast capable of delivering the complex ideas and emotions he spent last Friday afternoon writing.

“As an artist and creator, I expect my actors to possess a certain ‘je ne sais quoi’ that can meet my work on its level,” the first time showrunner said, mispronouncing the French turn of phrase, “In order to achieve this, I must break their spirit, then ask them to publicly reminisce a painful memory in order to cry on command. I’ll do this during five stages of callbacks of which the schedules and locations will continue to change last minute.”

At press time, sources close to Mr. Colburn stated the rookie playwright began prompting actors to read sides in various accents unrelated to the content. When asked how long the auditions will take, the novice director responded, “Until I discover my star.”

Mayo Clinic Announces Groundbreaking Vaccination That Your Sister-In-Law Will Ignore


ROCHESTER — Mayo Clinic officials held a press conference last afternoon to unveil the latest preventative one-time vaccination against juvenile diabetes, early onset Alzheimer's, and sickle cell anemia. Officials were also adamant to insist that the vaccination, dubbed “the miracle shot” be administered to the public, both young and old, as a part of their regular immunization schedules. Your sister-in-law is not expected to receive the new vaccine, as an avid social media follower of the unfortunately large anti-vaxx group, InNOTculate.

“This vaccination will literally change healthcare as we know it, save tens of billions of dollars in treatment, and improve mankind’s quality of life.” Chief Physician Vivian Black MD-PhD stated at the Mayo Clinic’s packed Annenberg Plaza. Your sister-in-law has stated similar benefits about the handmade infinity scarves and lavender soy candles that she sells on Etsy.

The vaccination has been in development for over 17 years, having succeeded through strenuous research, clinical testing, and regulatory approvals from multiple governmental agencies and nonpartisan groups. All of which didn’t seem good enough for your sister-in-law who thinks that burning incense in the morning is a legitimate substitute for deodorant.

The “miracle shot” will be made available to infants within the month and is slated to arrive at pharmacies for public distribution soon after. Your sister-in-law can’t wait to wear her “Anti-Vaxx Mommy” t-shirt to Walgreens in protest.

Damning Report Reveals Jacob Frey Only 3rd Sexiest Mayor in the Country


According to a recent study that has bewildered the Twin Cities, US News and World Report has revealed that Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey is only the third sexiest mayor in the country.

The report, which ranks the most desirable city leaders in the United States based on physical attractiveness, personality, and dedication to the community, indicated that Minneapolis' hunkiest daddy only took the bronze.

"Obviously we are disappointed," said a spokesperson from Meet Minneapolis, the city’s tourism board. "While Minneapolis is consistently cited as one of the best cities in the country to live in, dine out, and bike, we absolutely believe that we have the #1 thirst trap running our city."

While the mayor's office did not comment on the report, Frey has been seen stepping up his exercise regimen and policy platform.

"I saw him at the downtown Y running full speed on a treadmill while writing down ideas to improve racial equity," said local resident Lola Robertson. "Honestly, I was sweating just looking at him."

The mayor's office did not contest a separate report placing Frey second in the "Goodest Boy" rankings, with the top position being posthumously awarded to Duke, the late dog mayor of Cormorant, MN.

Rock the Garden 2019 Lineup Features Several Bands That You Aren't Cool Enough to Have Heard Of


Spring is here in Minneapolis, and with summer closing in, 89.3 The Current has announced Rock the Garden 2019 and the exciting lineup of bands that your friends love, but you are only tertiarily familiar with.

Rock the Garden is the largest indie rock music festival in a sculpture garden of an art museum in the north central United States. Since 1998, The Current has consistently outdone themselves each year in getting bigger and more popular bands that you somehow have never heard a single song by, and 2019 is no different.

The National, Courtney Barnett, and deM atlaS are just a few of the bands that your friends couldn’t believe you had never heard of because they’re like, pretty popular. Another of your friends also seemed really excited that Adia Victoria would be there, but you weren’t sure if that was a performing artist or a someone you may have met at a party.

The artist that everyone except you is most excited about is supposed famed punk band X. They are touted as one of the most influential bands from the punk movement of the late 70’s but you can’t help but silently wonder how influential a band you have never heard of could be, you fucking square.

Rounding out lineup is Heart Bones and Bad Bad Hats, which are two bands you are almost certain your coworker made up just to mess with you.

Rock the Garden 2019 will be held June 29th at the Walker Art Center in Minneapolis, but you probably are too lame to attend anyway.