Guys, planning a first date can be stressful, especially when you’re feeling pressure to deliver on the high expectations of modern women. Here’s a list of seven great venues that show you have a discerning palate for craft beer and will not, under any circumstances eat her out.
1400 Lagoon Ave, Minneapolis, MN
Uptown Tavern is known for its numerous TVs and party vibes, but it also offers a decent selection of microbrews. So grab a high top with your Tinder date, and when you suggest splitting the bill she’ll immediately understand that you were just in it for the beer and potential one-sided sex.
3001 Hennepin Ave, Minneapolis, MN
Libertine’s rooftop patio is a great venue for local brews and toxic masculinity. When you hop off the elevator on this Uptown establishment’s upper floor, she’ll have no doubt that you abstain both drinking domestic beers and performing cunnilingus.
1430 Lagoon Ave, Minneapolis, MN
Cowboy Slims is a raucous venue with cheap rail drinks. But that doesn’t mean you can’t bring a date, belly up to the bar, order a Surly Hell and talk about yourself for an hour. In fact, that’s sure to send the message that you have great taste in beer and value your sexual pleasure over hers.
William’s Peanut Bar
2911 Hennepin Ave, Minneapolis, MN
Nothing says, “I want head and will not repay the favor,” like a Peanut Bar. So get pesky formalities out of the way and bring your Bumble match to a basement where you’ll litter your surroundings with peanut shells to show you have no respect for other people.
Stella’s Fish Cafe
1400 W Lake St, Minneapolis, MN
There’s nothing more “Uptown!” than Stella’s rooftop. This oyster-oriented party pad is the perfect spot to sip an IPA while dropping hints that you, “Don’t really like seafood”.
2923 Girard Ave S, Minneapolis, MN
Enjoy the bathroom blowjob and never text her back.
3012 Lyndale Ave S, Minneapolis, MN
Sure, Up-Down is technically in Lyn-Lake, but that’s a pretty small fuckup compared to the dissatisfaction and emotional betrayal your potential partner would feel when you pull out post-climax, say “Night, babe,” and tuck in with no regards for her pleasure. So give her advance warning by picking a spot with a 5-page beer list and that’s packed with bros from 8 p.m. to close.