Let’s face it: Valentine’s Day can be daunting. Planning a unique, memorable day isn’t easy, especially if you’re one of the millions of young Americans unable to afford surprising your partner by transforming your body into a nearly identical but ultimately unsettling facsimile of actor John Cusack. Here’s five fun suggestions that won’t break the bank or every bone in your face so it can be painfully reshaped to resemble the lead from 1989’s Say Anything:
We’ve come a long way from musty taverns that only serve boiled pig’s heads! These days, restaurants come in many forms: “Italian”, “laid-back Asian-fusion”, and even “regular”. It may not be as exciting as finally removing those facial bandages in front of your girlfriend for the first time in six years to reveal you now resemble an eery, permanently surprised John Cusack, but hey- almost nothing ever is!
Can’t afford to travel the globe in search of a doctor amoral enough to inject DNA from a sweaty blazer John Cusack wore on the set of Hot Tub Time Machine directly into your bone marrow just to see if that does anything? That’s ok! Film has the power to transport you and your date anywhere.
A Modern Art Museum can be a perfect place to show off your depth and sophistication. Plus, staring at a drinking fountain too long wondering “is this art?” is significantly less emotionally taxing than staring in a mirror at the disquieting face of a half melted John Cusack, wondering “who even am I anymore?” and “why did I do this again?”
Giving Your Girlfriend A $200,000 Gift Card For Plastic Surgery to Look Like Joan Cusack
Less is more. Sometimes it’s best to just stay in, lounge on the couch with a mug of hot cocoa, and surprise your girlfriend with a gift card to a hospital on an unnamed Caribbean island run by a former CIA physician known only as “Dr X”. While 200,000 might not be enough to cover a complete “Joansformation” (as it’s known in the biz), it’s the thought that counts!
Spending $150,000 On Surgery To Look Like John Cusack’s Brother Bill
Look: he’s no John but he does have a pretty impressive IMDb page.