MLB: Twins Petition MLB to Add 5th Base

MLB--Twins-Petition-MLB-to-Add-5th-Base.jpg

In a conference call with Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred and league executives, Twins General Manager Thad Levine laid out a proposal to add a 5th base, reportedly repeating “hear me out” several times throughout the presentation.

“With the extra base,” a sweating Levine later explained during a press conference, “it will be harder for teams to score on us, thus improving the fan experience. It’s all about the fans.” When asked where the extra base will go, Levine seemed to disappear into his own thoughts, then eventually said “I don’t know, maybe we’ll hide it or something.”

In an unprecedented move, the league granted Levine’s petition provisional approval for a 3-game series versus the New York Yankees. Explaining why the league was eschewing 142 years of tradition, Manfred said “(Levine) seems like he really needs this.”

Hundreds of workers and construction vehicles could be seen later near the 3rd base foul line at Target Field, directed by an increasingly maniacal Levine. Soon, his esoteric vision was revealed: a towering mausoleum encompassing the new base, where a newly-bald Levine could be seen lurking in the shadows. Day or night, he sits upon a throne of broken skulls cantilevered over the extra bag. His face partially lit by torches surrounding his creation, he tirelessly awaits baserunners from either team. Each traveler must decipher a series of arcane riddles in order to pass through the dread chamber, murmured in a dead language by the now hopelessly mad General Manager.

Regardless, the Twins expressed optimism before Game 1. “Sure, our GM has annexed left field and declared himself a demigod, but there’s a real sense of hope in the locker room now; we may actually have a shot at the playoffs,” said relief pitcher Trevor Hildenberger, who later gave up a league-first 5-run grand slam.