Minnesotan Super Hero Only Saves Citizens He’s Known Since High School

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Crisis was narrowly averted yesterday evening when popular Minnesota vigilante, the Loon Ranger, sprang into action and rescued two individuals from a Metro Transit bus after it ran off of an I-94 overpass. Not much is known about Loon Ranger other than that he predominantly rescues those in danger in the Western St. Paul suburbs of Woodbury, Maplewood, and Oakdale.

"A month ago, my office building caught fire and that thing lit up faster than an M-80,” said Maplewood resident Scott Alfson. “I couldn’t get out, so I ran up to the roof and cried for help. Out of nowhere this guy in a loon mask with a grappling gun runs up to me and suddenly we’re swinging to the next building. It was nuts. It’s sad that the guy who just transferred from our Wisconsin office died, though.”

While local police are grateful for the Loon Ranger’s aid, they still maintained that law and rescue operations must be left to the professionals and that vigilantism is still a crime.

“We’ve been tracking him for a few months now,” said Woodbury PD representative Brian Meyers. “But the only results our analysis has established is that all 911 calls the Loon responded to were within a five mile radius and involved those who graduated from Tartan High School in 2006.”

While the Loon Ranger has received nearly universal praise for his actions, some critics question his selective crisis intervention. In yesterday’s bus crash rescue, he left several other victims to fend for themselves.

“Frankly I had no idea those people needed help,” the Loon Ranger said in a rare statement to the press. “I just have a knack to help those who are, you know, super in danger. Does that make sense?”

At press time, the Loon Ranger was seen helping a woman change a flat tire while an overturned car with New Jersey plates laid burning a quarter mile away.

Minnesota High School Graduation Rate Up Among All Demographic Groups Except for Derek

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SAINT PAUL — Educators across Minnesota celebrated Tuesday, after the Department of Education released new data that showed an across-the-board increase in the public high school graduation rate, except, that is, for Derek Carlson of Eden Prairie High School. 

The state’s data shows a statistically significant increase in the on-time graduation rates of students of color, low-income students, and English language learners. However, Derek—the self-titled “12th Grade Vape King”—remains at an abysmal 0%.

“Higher graduation rates reflect the increased investment in our education system at the local, district, and state level to improve outcomes for all of our students,” said MDE Commissioner Mary Cathryn Ricker during the press conference announcing the report, “except, of course, for Derek. That kid’s a whole other story”.

“I also want to thank the people who made all this possible,” continued Commissioner Ricker, “the principals who made-do with shoe-string budgets, the teachers who taught with passion, and the custodial staff who painted over all the places Derek sharpied “JIZZ” onto the walls”

But Ricker cautioned against resting on laurels: “Of course, we still have a ways to go. I will not be satisfied until 90% of our students are graduating on time, and until Derek can sit through one bio class without texting a dick pick.”

Adding: “Look, we’ve tried everything, but this kid’s just an asshole.”

When reached for comment, Derek informed the reporter that he “could suck [his] dick” and books, math and science “were for fucking dweebs” before longboarding away, middle fingers held high.

Unannounced Summer Show at Surly Already Sold Out

Photo by  Tony Webster

Photo by Tony Webster

An open date on Surly’s Amphitheater calendar which had yet to announce the time, a headliner, opening acts, or whether or not it was even happening, was reported to have sold out within minutes. Many Surly employees were shocked that tickets were even in the system, as nothing about the show had been made available to the public.

Despite the brewery’s ticketing website listing the event as sold out, thousands patrons lined up outside the Minneapolis tap room, clamoring to see if there were any left over tickets for the unannounced show. 

“Man, I always miss out on all the cool shit” Said Grace Johnson, dejected at missing out on the opportunity to secure tickets.  She did note however, the pizza at Surly was fantastic. 

Other people who missed out on tickets had a similar case of FOMO; leaving many feeling bummed that they couldn’t be a part of something even before they had heard all the details. 

“Not even sure how this happened” said Omar Ansari, founder of Surly Brewing “But hey, if it worked for Eaux Claires, why couldn’t it work for us?”

While no tickets remain, counterfeits can be found on Ebay, starting at $800.

Which Twin Cities Craft Beer Are You? Take This Quiz and Feel Something, Anything at All.

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Do you enjoy the finest in craft brews that the Twin Cities has to offer? Do you fancy yourself to be an IPAficionado? Do you feel as cold as a freshly tapped keg to the world around you as the impermanence of life consumes your psyche? Take this fun quiz and maybe it will give you meaning if only for a moment as your soul floats through an existence weighted in self-loathing.

1. What color of beer are you most drawn to?

A. Dark

B. Red

C. Amber

D. Golden

E. Doesn’t matter. Nothing matters

2. What flavors are you most drawn to?

A. Caramelly and savory

B. Sour and sugary

C. Bitter and spicy

D. Malty and refreshing

E. Whatever is in front of me

3. What have you been binging recently?

A. Rick and Morty

B. Gossip Girl

C. Friday Night Lights

D. The Office (for the 7th time lol)

E. Hoarders

4. What have you toasted to recently?

A. To old friends made new

B. To tonight

C. To good beer

D. To the game

E. To the approaching numbness

5. Do you think there is beer in heaven?

A. There better be

B. In my mind, heaven is one big dog-friendly patio

C. Of course there is

D. Probably just wine

E. There is no heaven

ANSWERS

Mostly A:

DANGEROUS MAN BREWING Chocolate Milk Stout  — Slow, creamy, and sweet. You live a life reminiscent of school lunches and saturday morning cartoons, flavored with a boldness you arrogantly project onto others. A smooth and rich adult beverage, you are constantly trying to be the person your younger self would be proud of, only to fall short again and again.

Mostly B:

LAKES & LEGENDS St. Gail Raspberry Honey Ale — Fun in the sun! You might be a little too sugary for most, but you’re just right for the warm weather despite your dry finish. With an effervescent personality, you are the life of the party because there is no other purpose to your days. Your sweet sadism pairs well with the tart absolution of a bubbly, sippable treat.

Mostly C:

BAUHAUS BREW LABS Sky Five! India Pale Ale — Your inclination for ambrosial hops is founded on an appreciation of artisanal libations. Truly, only you can understand the rich, fruity sweetness and bitter spices that build the foundations of your self-gratifying enlightenment. Are you playing the part of connoisseur? Or fraud?

Mostly D:

FAIR STATE BREWING Vienna Lager — You have a taste for adventure, but your dreams are but fleeting fantasies. Your depth of flavor is only as deep as you look into yourself: medium-bodied, malty, and crisp, but nothing more. Perhaps this is the year you finally backpack through the alps, but we all know that it isn’t.

Mostly E:

SUMMIT BREWING CO. Extra Pale Ale — Everyone’s favorite Minnesota craft beer. You are the full-flavored people-pleasing brew, with your citrusy sweet and malty notes. But much like this ale, you are not as special as you think you are. Your caramelly and crisp finish rings hollow when contrasted with your monotonous existence. You blend in with the group, laugh along, act like you’re having a good time, but you are as empty like the calories in this EPA. Your life is built on sand.



Year 3020: Charred Remains of South Minneapolis Contain Hundreds of Sealed Miniature Capsules Preserving Humanity's Worst Books

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Milky Way Galaxy, Year 3020 (Human Calendar) – After donning protective suits and picking through the rubble of collapsed human society, researchers from the Bergexion TR-9 Supercluster gave an official press conference detailing the team’s discovery of hundreds of house shaped book pods in the region formerly known as Minneapolis.  

“Thousands of books in one of the southern neighborhoods were beautifully preserved in these little wood and glass houses,” explained the chief scientist, “and we believe these pods were a last-ditch effort by a dying race to leave a trace of themselves behind. This species clearly possessed a prolific literary tradition. But we’ve been translating some of the books, and… yikes.”

The press conference continued, with most of the translation team taking time to express bewilderment as to why this doomed race chose to preserve some of the worst literature they had ever encountered in the Laniakea Supercluster. 

“From our findings, we conclude these people primarily read children’s picture books, serial murder mysteries, and the occasional business self-help book. What a bunch of weirdos,” remarked a senior translator, holding a copy of a James Patterson paperback at arm’s length. 

“Just derivative and juvenile. Pandering, shallow, empty text. We fell asleep multiple times while reading this drivel, and biologically we don’t need sleep.” They paused to toss the book haphazardly behind them, then continued their transmission. “It does give a bit of insight – with brains drawn to junk like this, no wonder these idiots wrecked one of the most inhabitable planets we’ve ever seen.”